Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Last night, my husband and I went to bed and as he drifted off to sleep, I was laying there huddled under the covers, afraid. For no reason. We had a perfectly good night. We kissed each other good night, the baby was sleeping soundly in his crib, and yet I was totally panicked.

Frankly, it has been a week of high anxiety. High enough to make me think that maybe I should start seeing someone. Again.

Were it another night, I would have woken my husband up and told him I was afraid. Then we would have went through what has become a usual routine in our home:

Me: “I’m scared.”
Him: “Huh?” (disoriented from sleep)
Me: “I’m afraid.”
Him: (more awake now) “Everything’s okay. We’re totally safe here.”
Me: “I’m scared.”
Him: “Honey, everything is okay. I swear. Remember we checked out the closet, and under the bed, and in the storage space. We locked all the doors, the garage is locked, and I checked the bedroom door lock three times, remember? Plus, remember we have the dog here too.”
Me: “Are you sure you locked the garage door?”
Him: “Yes, positive.”
Me: “How do you know?”
Him: “I knew you would ask, so I made sure to do it. I need to remember to do this stuff in front of you or it doesn’t count.”
Me: (looking around the room) “It’s really dark in here. Maybe we could just turn on a little light.”
Him: “Baby, you know I can’t sleep with the light on. It’s safe in here, I swear it.”
Me: “I’m afraid.”
Him: (Loud sigh) “Okay. What can we do to make it so you aren’t afraid tonight, and we can get back to sleep?”
Me: “I don’t know. I’m scared.”
Him: “It’s safe here. I swear it. All the doors are locked.”

And then we go on like that until I am too tired to be afraid and sleep overtakes me. But I couldn’t wake him last night, because he had an early meeting this morning and I knew he needed the sleep. So instead I lay there totally panicked and hypervigilant. After about an hour of laying there like that, trembling and afraid, I finally got up the courage to walk in the dark to the light. I turned on the light, and after that I was a little less afraid. Less enough that I was able, finally, to get some sleep for a few hours.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We have panic for the rest of our lives, and our entire quality of life is fucked after that.