Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: fear of noise, laundry, survivor of child sexual abuse
Before we had our son, the washer and dryer was located in our basement. I don’t go in the basement because it has bugs in there (even if it doesn’t, I am convinced it does), and plus I just feel generally anxious in basements. Consequently, my husband was the only one doing the laundry. When I got pregnant, we were both smart enough to realize that there’d be a lot more laundry after the baby was born (and we were right). We tried to figure out a way that I could do laundry too.
My husband moved the washer and dryer up to a more reasonable level of our home, and we both assumed that I would be able to take over some of the laundry duty. We were kind of right, because I do some of the laundry now but not really a lot. I am afraid of the noise. If it’s noisy in here, I can’t hear if someone is coming for me, out to get me. So I try to keep things quiet. A washing machine banging around is an uncontrollable noise when it’s turned on. So, I have to wait until the huz is home in order to actually do some laundry.
I like clean clothes as much as the next person. If I had my druthers, for instance, I’d be doing laundry right now. But then I would have to live the next hour in complete panic at the noise, and I just don’t think that level of panic is worth clean clothes. So, I have to wait until tonight to attempt clean clothes.
Yet another humiliating and shame-filled admission that becomes a reason not to fuck kids. But that is the point of this blog. This is my life, and this is me working through the issues that have arisen from me surviving childhood sexual abuse. Those who love me (like my husband) can forgive my issues, and those who don’t love me wouldn’t have loved me with or without my laundry issues.
Does anyone else in survivor-land also have this fear of noise issue?
