Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Last night, I woke up from a dream about the babysitter. In the dream, she and my mother and I were in a fitting room. I was the same age I am now – 35 years old – and I had a swimsuit on. I saw her and I knew she was the babysitter. I felt pure fright to my very core. I said to my mom in a tiny little girl’s voice “Mama, I am afraid of her”. I was so scared I could hardly get the words out.

Then this woman started touching me. Mom didn’t help the situation at all. I screamed in pure fright, over and over and over again. If I had to explain that scream, I would say that it was like I was allowing myself to scream the way I imagine I wanted to scream when this babysitter was actually molesting me when I was a little girl. The scream and the dream would be the reason you shouldn’t fuck kids, of course.

Obviously this dream was scary for me to wake up from, and has been on my mind all day. In the dream, the woman looked 10 years older than me now, which would put her at about 45. In real life, I think she was about 10 years older than me in real life, which put her in her teen years when she molested my brother and I. I find it interesting that my dream happened as if I was meeting her now.

I wish I was meeting her now. I am not sure what I would say or how I would act, but I sure do wish I could meet her now. I wonder if I would regress and become a child inside again, the way so many survivors of child sexual abuse do when meeting their abusers again. Or, I wonder if I would stay in control of my adult faculties, and meet this woman and explain the tremendous impact that she has had on my life.

I spend a lot of my time hating this woman. It would be nice to get past that level of hatred.