Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: binge-eating disorder, bulimia, survivor of childhood sexual abuse, food addiction, ricki lake
This morning on Good Morning America, Ricki Lake disclosed that she was molested when she was six years old, and she began gaining weight soon thereafter. She has had a life-long struggle with obesity, and she credits it to her history of being sexually abused. She said she still struggles with food issues.
I have said this before, but I’ll say it again. I didn’t have an eating problem until my brother started his shit with me; I didn’t want the body that I was in, the one I was getting molested in. I didn’t have bulimia till my dad started his shit with me. Eating was the very last thing I could fucking control. I had no control over what they were doing to my body, but I sure could control what I put into it. Throwing it up was a release, a statement, a symbol. ‘I will not hold this in, I will not keep what you are doing to me, I throw it back out at you.’ I have not gotten through one year where I haven’t thrown up on my father’s birthday.
In one of our alone sessions, the marital therapist said that survivors of sexual abuse tend to change their bodies to be the opposite of what it was when we were getting molested. So if we were thin when we were getting raped, we try to be fat. If we were fat, we try to be thin. I was thin when my brother started molesting me, and I gained weight. I was already fat when my dad started with me, and I became bulimic.
Things are weird with my mom right now. Every conversation is tense. Our together session with the therapist is in a few weeks. My eating is completely out of control now. My old therapist once said “Food is mother. When we are babies, food literally is mother. Our source of food is our mothers, her breasts provide our nourishment. Then as we grow up, we continually try to mother ourselves with food.”
Now that Mom and I are fucked up, I am mothering myself like crazy with food. Eating until I feel numb. I said to my husband the other day “I need to eat some more.” He said, “Are you okay?” I said, “No, I can still feel.” I suppose this is what happens to alcoholics and drug addicts; these continual attempts at numbness because we can’t erase the pain of what has happened to us. The pain of what is happening to us now that reminds us of the pain that happened to us then.
I keep hoping that someday I will heal from this, that I will stop using food as a means of anesthesia and instead use it as a means of sustenance. I know there are people out there who eat because they are hungry, and stop because they are full. Their relationships with food are so healthy.
An unhealthy relationship with food. That’s what resulted from my molestation, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.
5 Comments so far
Leave a comment