Filed under: survivor | Tags: grief, incest survivor, incest survivors group, sex offenders, survivor of child sexual abuse
When I was in that incest survivors’ group, one of the things they had us do was have a combined group one night with teen offenders. We were teens at that time too. Anyway, it seemed that what they most wanted to know was how being incested and sexually abused had impacted our lives. At that time in my life, I didn’t really understand the impact. I knew I was fucked up, but I didn’t see how far-reaching the consequences were.
When it was my turn to discuss the impact on my life, I said “I just started wearing colors again.” I could see that no one understood what I was talking about, so I said “I wore only black for a long time. I felt that I was grieving a loss, and that wearing any other color would just be inappropriate. So I wore all black, every day, until it was done. I just started wearing colors again.”
I find myself doing it again, wearing only black a lot of the time. Not as consistently or as intently as I used to, but it’s there. This time I am grieving the loss of a wonderful marriage. It was a marriage I was deceived into. Still, the love part was real, as was the tenderness and support. I grieve that loss.
I think that grief work is a part of the healing process, and I think it manifests differently in every survivor. For me, I was grieving for the Butterfly I might have been. I grieved over what was done to me, and the innocence stolen from me. I grieved over the impact that the incest had on me up till that point, most especially my incredible discomfort being in my own skin.
The ability to do even the simplest thing, like wearing colors on your body. I just didn’t feel comfortable wearing anything other than black. In prison, they have to wear orange jumpsuits. I was in my own prison, I guess.
Wearing only black and having to re-discover the ability to wear colors. That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.
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