Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: cutting, Julianna Margulies, survivor of child sexual abuse, survivor of incest, The Good Wife
I was watching Sunday’s episode of The Good Wife, and in this episode a teenaged female character had a history of cutting herself. The Good Wife was astonished that someone would do such a thing, and exclaimed “Why?? Why would she do such a thing?” The daughter character responded with something like “I think sometimes people like the feeling of healing”.
My immediate thought was ‘Idiot’. That is so NOT why we cut, you idiots. It sure as shit ain’t about the feeling of healing. It’s about there being such a fucking shitload of pain inside us that we have to cut ourselves to let a little bit out. It’s about the fact that you can’t see how much pain we are in so we cut ourselves to give you a glimpse into our pain-filled world. It’s about the emotional release that comes when the blade touches our skin. Sometimes it’s about being so dissociated that the cutting feels good.
I can’t stand the astonished ignoramuses who have never been exposed to cutting. I, of course, used to be one of those judgmental idiots who couldn’t understand why people would cut themselves. ‘They’ve been hurt so much, and now they are hurting themselves?‘ I used to think. But that is very much the point, unfortunately.
It’s been 20 years since I first cut myself, and over 15 since I last cut myself. But shit, I sure remember how it felt. Honestly, sometimes I miss it. I know it doesn’t sound good to say that, but it’s honest.
You shouldn’t fuck kids; that’s a given. But as you can see from the 305 reasons before this one, there are many reasons not to fuck kids. Here’s #306: Sometimes the pain gets overwhelming and we can’t take it and we cut ourselves. And then we watch people talk about us cutters on tv as if we are freaks.
I’m not a freak. I am a survivor. I have survived the child sexual abuse. But this is what surviving looks like, unfortunately. It’s cutting and secrets and blogs filled with little and big events in my life that are evidence of this survival.
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