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I had a realization at that conference I had to go to the other week. My co-worker, the one who cuts herself, said something about how much it sucks when she compares her work or her thoughts about her work to the rest of us. She said she always feels behind and that she feels she isn’t as good as the rest of us at work. She said ‘Do you feel like that about your work too?’
The truth is that my work is usually the one place I don’t generally feel like that. I mean, sometimes I get the occasional ‘Am I doing enough?’ or ‘Am I good enough?’ feeling, but generally speaking, I don’t feel like I am in a race with others or in a competition with others. It’s hilarious because I feel like I am competing with everyone else in practically every other aspect of my life.
I mean when they were all talking about their sex lives, I felt like shit about myself. When people have babies, I feel like shit about myself. When people are able to lose weight or exercise or live by themselves or leave their house at night or drive long distances, I feel like shit about myself. I feel like that because those are all things I can’t do.
When she asked me that and I realized I didn’t have the same feelings as her about work, I realized something else. We really only compare ourselves to others about stuff that we ourselves are insecure about. It’s like entering a race you know you are going to lose. The funny thing is that during that conference, I was comparing and losing the whole time. Unlike my friend though, it wasn’t about work. It was about me and my feeling completely inferior to everyone else there because I am a fat incest/child sexual abuse survivor who is obviously less than everyone else there, replete with my failed marriage to a trans woman.
When you fuck kids, you set us up for a life of feeling that there is something intrisically wrong with us. For a long time we think that there must have been something uniquely messed up about us so as to attract our perpetrator(s). Then after we learn that it wasn’t our fault in the first place, we still feel there is something intrinsically wrong with us because of all of the ways our lives have been affected by surviving the abuse (which for me so far is 307 ways). That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.
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