Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #9: We recreate the abuse again and again in our lives
September 15, 2008, 1:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

In two weeks, it will have been two years since the last time my husband and I have had sex.  I once read (I think it was in the book “The Courage To Heal“, but I can’t remember) that some survivors of child sexual abuse marry these men who only want sex like once or twice a year.  When I read that, I remember thinking, “That won’t be me.  When I get married, it will be healthy and we will enjoy sex.”  Famous last words from someone who was still a virgin. 

My husband and I dated for two years before we got married.  We didn’t even kiss until our fourth date.  I was almost 29 when I met him, by the way.  On every date, I was scared that he was going to want to get intimate.  Bless his sweet wonderful heart, he never forced the issue, and was incredibly patient with me.  I was almost 31 when we first had sex, which was about six months after we got engaged. 

Before meeting my husband, I had been in relationships where I decided it would just be my body, not my heart or head.  My body would be involved, but as long as my head or heart wasn’t in it, it was okay.  You see what happened there? I was recreating the same stance I needed to survive the abuse.  When I was a child, and the people in my life were molesting me, the way that I survived it was by ‘going away’ in my mind.  I dissociated from the abuse because having my head in that game was unimaginable.  Since dissociating during times when my body was being used sexually was my norm, that was the only way I understood how to be with someone sexually.  I thought that the only thing that men wanted from me was my body, that the only desirable part of me was my body.  As a child, all that was wanted of me was my body, why would it be different as an adult?

When we are surviving abuse, we learn a set of rules about how the world works, and we keep applying those rules again and again and again in our lives.  It is like raising a lion in a cage.  She learns how to live in a cage, and learns the rules of how to survive in a cage.  Then, she becomes an adult, and someone says “You’re free!” and releases her into the wild.  Well, even though she is a lion, she has no idea how to live in a jungle.  What in her life would have taught her how to navigate a jungle when all she had known her whole life was a cage? 

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  We recreate our cages again and again in our lives, and because of those who fucked us, we are never really sure how to break free from them.

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[…] September 19, 2008 Last night, my husband leaned in for a kiss. And we started kissing and kissing. I got wrapped up in it, in the feel of his lips, in the passion of kissing, in the beauty of kissing my sweet wonderful husband who I love so much. It’s been so long since we have done that, since I have felt like that. Maybe this could even lead to some sex. […]

Pingback by Reason #10: We Have No Idea Who is Kissing Us « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] 3, 2008 I was telling my mom the other night how the huz and I are about to celebrate two years of not having any sex.  I mean, I say it like a joke  – the fact that we are celebrating it like an anniversary – but […]

Pingback by Reason #20: Don’t Touch « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] About Reason #47: Trust February 9, 2009, 4:59 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: child sex abuse, couples counseling, sex, therapy, trust The huz and I went to our first couples counseling session today. (Because we have no sex.) […]

Pingback by Reason #47: Trust « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

I know this is old, but wow, what an awesome post.

Right on the spot …

Comment by All Time Love

Thank you so much for the kind comments. It warmed my heart today.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

This was so heartbreaking. I have something of the same quandary with my girlfriend, who inexplicably loves me, which I find immensely threatening. It takes at least 24 hours of being in her company continually before I can stay in my body reliably enough to be sexually loving toward her. It would be easier if she didn’t love me. I know how to do that. The love makes it almost impossible to stay present for. And even when I am present, I’m terrified. I hope we’ll be able to work through this together, but sometimes I really want to just give up.

Comment by davidrochester

I have been reading your blog for some time, so I have got to say this. You are an incredibly insightful writer. You say things better than some writers who write books on healing. You are compassionate and kind. I hope for you the kind of healing that you bring to the world through your blog.

I agree with you about the cages. Even when the doors are open, sometimes we can’t leave, though we may want to and we may try.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

so very true, sex is such a struggle for me as my Husband loves me and that is foreign. i do it whenever he wants, because i never learned how to say no, but he will never ask because he knows my struggle and wants to respect me in every way possible. so i will offer but in my mind, i feel like…let’s just get this over with, but to him i have a mask on of how i think one should be during sex with the one they love, and i do love him. i hate not wanting it.

Comment by buckwheatsrisk

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