Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #16: Suicide
October 12, 2008, 10:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

I was 12 the first time I thought about suicide. I was 19 when I got downright serious about it. By 19, I figured that I would never overcome my shit about sex, never get over what had been done to me in childhood. I figured I would remain a hopeless virgin, and that would consequently mean I would never have love with a man, and never have children. When I realized all of that, I consciously sought out death. I wanted to die. When my friends asked me what I wanted for my 21st birthday, I told them “death”.

It took several years of therapy before I found a will to live. And a lot of tears. A lot.

I am beyond grateful that I didn’t commit suicide. I would never have met my wonderful husband, and I wouldn’t have had the chance to be a mother to my beautiful son.

The thing about suicide is that it happens when you lose all hope, and that was how I was. I had lost all hope, and I felt like suicide was my best possible option towards ending all the pain I was in. I lost not only the will to live, but the hope that life would ever be anything beyond the shitty fucked up world I had come to know. A world where adults willingly fucked children, and children were encouraged to shut the fuck up about it.

Suicidality is like living in a dark dark tunnel where there is no light at the end. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that my life would always be shit, and that I would always feel this way. So why not do myself a favor and end it all?

I was wrong. Thank G-d, I was very wrong. I am grateful that I never succumbed to suicide, but really, I almost didn’t make it to this place in my life where I am able to write a blog. I almost took my own life, because I couldn’t bear the thought of living in my own skin even one more day.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We tend to kill ourselves because we can’t take the knowledge of what you did to us. I am grateful to be alive, certainly. But I take no pleasure in knowing that others like me didn’t make it.

Note to those reading this blog: If you are in pain, and you feel hopeless, these people can help. You may be feeling alone, but know that you are not alone. Many people all over the world are feeling alone and sad. If you were to go into a room full of people, anywhere in the world, and ask them if they had ever felt so sad that they wanted to take their life, you would see a bunch of people raising their hands right along with you. You are not alone.

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[…] it was time to start back to therapy. I first went to therapy when I was 12 and thinking about suicide. My mom got scared and took me to see some idiot that didn’t like me and didn’t get me. […]

Pingback by Reason #18: Therapy « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

*SIGH* Yes, I think all of us survivors think of dying. I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 8. It began a lifelong death wish. I tried SO many times to kill myself and so many times I just didn’t die (boy could I tell you stories about it, I might have to write a blog hmmm). Funny that I had this death wish all my life, then I get fucking cancer and just live on and on and ON, huh?

I am SO glad you didn’t hurt yourself, then I wouldn’t have met you, read your words, felt like someone understands me. *smiles*

Comment by murderousthoughts

[…] 12). When I was 12 and 19, I almost killed myself. Since I didn’t, I was alive to write Reason 16: Suicide. You know how I survived my suicidal tendencies? Therapy, which was Reason 18. The other way I […]

Pingback by 35 Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids: 2008 in Review « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

I first tried to kill myself when I was five. Life was unendurable. So I can relate to what you are saying.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Comment by kate1975

[…] guy, child sexual abuse, hillbilly, incest, therapist When I was in therapy (at 19 years old, for wanting to kill myself), I told my therapist that I didn’t like it when people made incest jokes. She had no idea […]

Pingback by Reason #129: Incest Jokes « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] survivors have flirted with suicide, including myself, and this is why you shouldn’t fuck […]

Pingback by Reason #217: Bill Zeller « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] It is not the first time I have wished for death, which is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  The experience of surviving child sexual abuse makes us actually want to die many more times in our life.  That death is on you. I began thinking about death when I was 12, and got real serious about it when I was 19. Now, I am a mother, so I would not take my own life.  I may be sad, but I am not that selfish.  I have seen what happens to children when they don’t have a proper mother here on this Earth. I talked to my Aunt about the fact that I had no premonition or intution or bad feelings when I was getting married, and how betrayed I feel by that.  She said that maybe I had no intuition about it because if I had a bad feeling about it, I wouldn’t have gotten married to him and had this baby.  She said maybe I was meant to get married to him and have this baby.  She said maybe we were meant to be in each other’s life in this way, and that had G-d warned me about it beforehand, I wouldn’t have fulfilled my destiny.  That made me feel a little better about it, a little less betrayed. […]

Pingback by Reason #239: Deep Dark Places « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] thing is, I am not suicidal.  I used to be suicidal, and I feel that this thought – the “I wish I were dead” thought – is not […]

Pingback by Reason #247: Changing my Mantra « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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