Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #17: We are afraid of the doctor

I have a gynecology appointment next week. Just a normal yearly thing. I didn’t see a gynecologist for 30 years or so, because I didn’t want to go. The year before we decided to get pregnant, we thought I should go to a gynecologist just to make sure everything is in working order.

The doc asked me if I have a history of child sex abuse. I said yes. She said “Who molested you?” I said “There were three perpetrators. A babysitter, my brother, and then my father.” Except I couldn’t get the words out, because I started to cry. Normally, I can talk about my history without crying, but I was so nervous about having to be there at the gynecologist that I lost my shit.

No woman likes to go to the gyno. I get that. But for me, and probably lots of other survivors, it takes on a whole new level of shit for us. It’s not just fucking uncomfortable, it’s terrorizing. Someone down there is sticking shit into our vaginas, their face is down there, inspecting it and what not. It’s fucked up. I always cry. I hate crying in front of strangers, and the gyno gets to see me do it every time, and it’s embarassing.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. I shouldn’t have to cry at the fucking gynecologist’s office.

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[…] it again in Reason 31. Fear is a common theme throughout this blog (and my life), and I revisited fear with doctors in Reason 17. So is Panic disorder, Reason 14. Fucked kids become panicked adults who miss work, […]

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Hi Butterfly,
The gynecologist has always been a scary doctor for me to visit too. One of the reasons it had been previously is that I had a really bad appointment with one, which basically gave me delusional flashbacks later in life about how bad it really was or wasn’t. I know now that my inability to realize when these things happen to me and especially my habit of never talking about these things usually gets my mind to resolve the issue on its own undeniably uncontrollable terms. While I wasn’t a child when it happened, I was still a virgin. I have always had a small unresolved spot in my emotional memory about it.

I was afraid to tell the doctor when something hurt, and so I used to blame myself for the experience. This would happen repeatedly with all of my dental appointments as well, and at one point even happened with a salon stylist. My greatest fear with doctors is that I will not be able to tell the person that I am in pain regardless of whether or not I am actually in pain. I have a mixed psychological reaction related to doctors complicated with my relationship with my father who used to save money on our vaccinations and such as a doctor himself.

I hope to hear better news about future gynecology exams, and that your love life is just as lovely.

Comment by sandma1half

Hi Butterfly,

This year was the first time in a long time when I went to the exam and talked without bursting into tears.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

i have pure panic and terror going to any doctor even if i know they are not going to touch me that day, but man if i am going for a pap or anything else that is intrusive or feels intrusive to me, i am a complete mess, i have to take ativan before i go, and it really doesn’t help much as the panic overrides it. my last family doc was very good about that with me, but not all are..

Comment by buckwheatsrisk

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