Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #18: Therapy
October 17, 2008, 6:35 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

Ever since I started this blog, I have noticed that I have had a heightened sense of anxiety. You’d think writing all this shit out would be therapeutic, but in fact, I feel like it’s killing me slowly. I guess the thing about writing about sex abuse is that it’s like opening up a big box of hurt but not knowing what to do with the contents.

This week, I decided that maybe it was time to start back to therapy. I first went to therapy when I was 12 and thinking about suicide. My mom got scared and took me to see some idiot that didn’t like me and didn’t get me. If she were a good therapist, she would have admitted that she could not effectively treated me, and would have recommended that Mom take me somewhere else. Instead, I wasted a few months of my life, feeling disconnected from this judgmental therapist.

When I was 19, I got real serious about suicide, and I decided to seek a therapist to help. She was wonderful, and she really helped me get to the next place in my life. When I was 26 or 27, I decided it was time again. Different therapist, also wonderful.

I am 35. I can’t believe I am here again. Scared, anxious, intrusive thoughts, etc. I went to a new therapist this week, told her a bit about my family. She was nice, but there was no connection. For instance, I felt instinctively that I couldn’t tell her about this blog because the title is so provocative. And I guess because it is a window into my soul, and I don’t need someone I know poking around in my soul, fucking things up.

So, I am sitting there, keenly aware of my own history as I replay it out for this new therapist. I am sitting there on the couch, hoping for some sign that this will work, that she gets me and that I like her. I do like her, she is nice. But she doesn’t get me, doesn’t get it, and seems afraid to go there. Well, lady, it’s been nice talking to you, but I need to go there, and I need you to go there with me.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. How many strangers’ couches do we have to tell our story from before we even find one who understands enough to get on the roller coaster with us, and look at the same shit we are looking at? Instead they look back at us, seeing ourselves, instead of what we are looking at. And for that matter, the time, energy, money spent on therapy – it’s staggering. And painful, and lonely. Time spent in good therapy is never a waste, obviously, but shit, I would rather not have the anxiety and not have to go to therapy to stop being so afraid of my own fucking closets and the dark and everything else, you know?

P.S.: In Judaism, the number 18 is the sign for life. Maybe it’s a positive thing that the therapy post is reason 18, like that therapy will be good to bring quality to my whole life. Or maybe it’s a negative thing, like I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. Aaaah, numbers.


6 Comments so far
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fellow butterfly,

i want to thank you for writing your blog. i have never met anyone who has been through something like what i have, and i almost wish i could because i think it would give me the kick i so desperately need. reading this is close.

i am in my second year of college and i went through 12 therapists last year trying to find one who could handle what happened to me (ironic, isn’t it?). now i am having the same problem as you with the therapist i’m seeing. yeah, she’s nice. but i’m not sure she gets me. and i’m nervous i’ll “settle” because i’m too afraid to stand up for myself and say what i really need. and i know this is the one time in my life i cannot afford to settle.

anyway, just wanted you to know there are people out here reading your words and knowing them and crying sometimes when we know them too well.

c

Comment by c

Hi C Butterfly,

Thank you for commenting – that is so cool of you to write.

I think the college years are so tough, because not only are you trying to understand survival in an adultish body, but you are being asked to do so while educating yourself and being graded on it. Education is the best thing that we butterflies can do for ourselves, because it ensures us a future where we are not dependent on anyone for economic mercy.

One thing to know about therapy – it has been shown in research studies that it is the quality of the therapeutic relationship – how much you like your therapist that will determine how much you will succeed in therapy. So, even if a therapist has the greatest therapeutic techniques in the world, they won’t work unless the client really likes the therapist.

Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] That is me, now. I am having a bad day. The anxiety has been building for a while now. I imagine this is the time when I should be seeking help. Another fucking therapist. […]

Pingback by Reason #30: Agoraphobia « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] I was alive to write Reason 16: Suicide. You know how I survived my suicidal tendencies? Therapy, which was Reason 18. The other way I survived was by crying a lot. That was Reason […]

Pingback by 35 Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids: 2008 in Review « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Aint that the truth. When I was interviewing my latest therapist I was frank with her that I needed someone who was experienced with working with sexual abuse and had heard enough before that she wouldn’t be freaked out if I needed to talk details. She told me she’d worked in a clinic where her clients were mostly sex trade workers (with, no surprize, lots of sexual abuse issues) and I figured that would qualify her. That seemed to be an accurate assumption. I also make sure they’re a feminist. Non-feminist therapists haven’t been any good – I mean if a woman doesn’t think the power balance between men and women is crappy, I really can’t trust her judgement anyhow, or at least it’s not a fit. Feminists also (if they’re doing it right) are all about being an ally and helping me do my work, rather than trying to get me to do it their way.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I have never had the right therapist. But I have done therapy. Now I am looking for one that is the right fit, because I need and deserve that. We all do. It helps us to heal when someone is likeable to us, who cares about and suppots us as we heal.

Good and healing thoughts to us all.

Kate

Comment by kate1975




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