Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #25: Sex
November 21, 2008, 6:27 pm
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The other day, some friends and I were talking about sex. My friend said “I need to get laid.” I thought to myself, ‘I wonder what that is like, the wanting of sex because sex is an enjoyable experience.” When I want sex with the huz, it’s because I think we are supposed to be having sex, because that’s what people who are in love do.

I get the feeling from friends and media that sex is an enjoyable experience, and that it probably feels good. For me, it’s mired in my childhood experiences where sexuality was forced upon me.

Sometimes, my husband and I are in situations where we can’t have sex (like when my mom’s in the next room). During those times, I always get very lusty with my husband. One time, my husband said “You only want to come onto me at times when you know it is safe, because you know there will be no follow through of actual sex.” I thought about it, and he was right. It wasn’t a conscious thing for me. But I bet those moments are what it feels like for normal people during all hours, not just safe hours.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We grow up and lose out on healthy enjoyable sex lives, which I hear is a great thing for normal people.

Reason #24: Bulimia
November 18, 2008, 1:18 am
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I was talking to my husband about the Postsecret website. It’s something we talk about a lot. As someone with secrets that I share with the world in this blog, I applaud the courage that is Postsecret. Anyway, I decided to free myself of another secret.

I have bulimia. This part wasn’t a secret to my husband, as I told him about this part of me fairly early into our relationship. Bulimia, for me, is a somewhat direct consequence of having survived child sex abuse. Whenever I thought about what had happened, I literally got nauseated. (By the way, this is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.)

Anyway though, one time I was finished forcing myself to throw up, and my mom walked into the bathroom while I was cleaning the toilet and floor from my vomit. (Somehow I never quite got to the point where I was able to vomit without making a mess!) It was humiliating, having her find me like this, in such a terribly vulnerable embarrassing position. I tried to play it off like it was nothing, but she didn’t fall for it. She started to cry, and then I started to cry, and we just sat there in the bathroom crying together.

Anyway, here’s the secret part that I told my husband the other day. After she caught me that time, I didn’t want to take any chances that such a thing would happen again. So, whenever I had a bulimic attack, I would throw up into tupperware containers in my room and dispose of the contents later on when I knew for sure it was safe to do so. It was humiliating and shameful to do, and just as humiliating and shameful to recount to my husband. However, after telling him about it, I didn’t feel quite as disgusting as I did before.

That’s the thing about secrets. Secrets have such a hold on you when they are a secret, but once you tell someone, the secret no longer has power over you.

Reason #23: Sexuality
November 11, 2008, 10:51 pm
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This post is gonna get people all fucked up, because people get all fucked up about gay stuff. This post is about MY LIFE only, and is not expandable to the whole survivor population or the whole gay population or the whole straight population. Let me state from the start that I support all gay rights, as well as everyone’s right to be gay. I think that most homosexuals are born that way, and have no choice in that matter. Furthermore, I think if it were a choice, I think it’s a perfectly acceptable choice, so who gives a shit if it is a choice or born with it or whatever the fuck people need to tell themselves to make shit okay. Back to my post, ok?

I was in two gay relationships before I started dating my husband. The first one – I was in that one for two and a half years, and we loved each other. The second one – that only lasted about six months, but I loved her too. I am not sure if she ever really loved me. I got into the first one because I was terrified of men. We eventually broke up because I knew I wasn’t gay, and she knew it too. I broke up with the second one because she was borderline abusive, and also I knew I wasn’t gay, and so did she. My lovers were gay, and my first girlfriend was a survivor too.

The thing is, when you get molested in childhood, your sexuality lines and boundaries get all kinds of fucked up. My brother has pictures of naked ladies on his personal computer at home, but fucks guys by choice. I don’t know whether he is gay, but I find it REAL interesting that both of us explored gay relationships when we are both heterosexually inclined. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #22: My Name Is Earl
November 10, 2008, 12:56 am
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The huz and I were watching My Name is Earl last night (thank you TiVo :-)). In this episode, Earl was trying to make up for something shitty he did to someone. When he was making up for it, he said something along the lines of “When I hurt him like that, I not only opened his eyes to all the bad in the world, I closed his eyes to all the good in the world.”

That’s when I started to cry. That’s exactly what happened to me. When that babysitter abused me when I was little, it’s like she not only opened my eyes to the fact that people are willing to knowingly hurt me, but also closed my eyes to the fact that there might be good people in this world too. Everywhere I look, all I see are possible predators, instead of just people.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #21: Ashamed
November 8, 2008, 12:24 pm
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Yesterday, my computer caught a virus. I called my husband, and he tried to help me deal with it over the phone, but there wasn’t much he could do. I got off the phone with him, began to have anxiety and panic, and ran down the stairs.

When my husband got home, we both went upstairs together. I told him I hadn’t been upstairs since the virus thing happened. He asked why, and I said because I got scared. He said “Why did you get scared of the bedroom just because the computer got a virus?”

And then I immediately felt embarrassed. I feel ashamed whenever this sort of thing happens. Why would a person feel afraid that their computer got a virus? I don’t know. For me, it was because I felt violated suddenly. Like someone was watching me. Someone invaded my computer, invaded me. Someone put something evil out there in the world, a computer virus, whose only intention was to hurt someone else’s computer. And it scared me enough to run away. To run away in a way I couldn’t when I was a little girl.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We get viruses in our computers and become afraid of the room our computers are in and then feel ashamed about that fear.

Reason #20: Don’t Touch
November 3, 2008, 12:55 pm
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I was telling my mom the other night how the huz and I are about to celebrate two years of not having any sex.  I mean, I say it like a joke  – the fact that we are celebrating it like an anniversary – but then shit got serious.  I said, “He shows no interest in my vagina.”

Mom said, “Hmm, that is weird.”

Me: “Well, it might be my fault.”

Mom: “Why?”

Me: “Well, the first few times he tried to touch my vagina was a few years ago, right after we got married.  I got all fucked up because it reminded me of when my brother used to touch me there.  I would freak out, and the huz got scared and hasn’t really tried to touch me there ever since.”

Mom: “Oh sweetie, I am so sorry.”

Mom always has a way of saying she’s sorry that makes me cry.  I knew what she was saying – that I was missing out on something that was probably beautiful for other people whose brothers had never touched their hoo-hahs when they were kids.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids though.  We can’t even let our husbands touch our vaginas without totally freaking out.  I am an adult, I want to have sex like normal people.  More than that, I want to want to have sex. Instead, I celebrate no-sex anniversaries.