Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #28: M&M’s
December 13, 2008, 1:23 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

I hate secrets. This post is about one of my secrets, one that I could only tell one therapist because it hurt too much.

The memory that this particular post evokes brings me shame. But I am hoping that in the spirit of freeing oneself by telling secrets that speaking it here in my blog frees me from the shame of this.

When I was eight, I offered my dad some M&M’s that came from my desk drawer in my room. He asked where I had gotten them. I didn’t answer him, but in my head I thought “You should only know.”

My brother used to bribe me with M&M’s so that he could fuck me. For so many packages of M&M’s, I would give him so many minutes of doing whatever he wanted to me. I would lay there lifeless, willing my mind to be somewhere else so that it was only my body he was hurting, not my mind or heart. I was eight years old, and I was willing to sell my body for the utter scraps of love he was willing to give me in the form of M&M’s. He always hated me, and always treated me terribly. Except for those few minutes when he was sexually abusive with me each time. He would give me the M&M’s, and I would eat some of them. Then it would come time for my part of the agreement. At this part, I always said no. And I said no a few more times. But each time he would counter with something like “You promised” or some shit.

May G-d forgive me. Even after all these years, I feel guilt and shame about the details. I am 35. I understand now, after YEARS of therapy that it’s not my fault what happened there. But the fucking M&M’s still haunt me. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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[…] 14, 2008 Last night, while the huz and I were watching tv, I told him about the M&M post I already put up on the blog yesterday. I told him how scary it was to write that post because it […]

Pingback by Reason #29: M&M’s part 2 « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] 24. Equally shameful to me is that I took candy in exchange for my body, and I talked about that in Reasons 28 and 29. Some part of me understands that I was probably seeking love and acceptance, and willing to […]

Pingback by 35 Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids: 2008 in Review « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

I agree with you, Butterfly, it was not your fault. ‘Paying’ children for abusing them is the oldest trick in the book on the grooming scale. You did nothing wrong. And, even though your brother was abused, it’s okay to be furious at him and anyone who didn’t stop him. We were abused and didn’t abuse anyone, it’s not an excuse. (I know you know this, but sometimes it helps me to hear it from someone else). I needed a hit of survivor reality today so I’m reading some of your older posts I hadn’t read before. That’s why all the new comments.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

This particular post brings me so much shame. Thank you for reading it and explaining the grooming scale to me – those words made me feel better.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly,

I agree with V. Your brother was an abuser, if you had not taken the candies, he would have abused you. I agree. He was grooming you and a little child does not have the mind or the physical means to stop abuse or to keep themselves safe.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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