Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #29: M&M’s part 2
December 14, 2008, 2:05 pm
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Last night, while the huz and I were watching tv, I told him about the M&M post I already put up on the blog yesterday. I told him how scary it was to write that post because it brings me such shame. I told him that I was afraid that someone out there would read that post and think that somehow I brought it on myself, or that it was my fault.

The huz said, “Well, if someone thinks that then they are an asshole. You were a little girl. What happened to you was wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. What was done to you was wrong.”

I told him last night how horrible the whole experience was for me, and I recounted some details that I hadn’t told anyone else yet. I told him how hard I tried not to be there for the experience, to will myself away in my head. How I had to stare at the wall to not be there while my brother was molesting me.

Then I started to cry. It was just too much. And he said “Baby” in that sweet gentle way that he does when I am upset. And he came over and wanted to hug me. But I was sitting in a similar position that I was in when my brother was molesting me, and I couldn’t take it, couldn’t take any kind of touch at that moment. I said “Please don’t hug me!!”, quick, before he could get a hand on me. And my sweet husband understood right away, and didn’t press the matter.

I feel a little better today, having told my secret to the huz, and having him react like that. Sometimes I think that maybe it’s not so much the telling of the secret that is freeing, but people’s reactions to our secrets that is freeing.

I told the huz that I wish the M&M’s had never been involved. That food had never been a part of it, or bribery of any sort. But then I said “The truth is, most child sexual abuse doesn’t start out as full-on rape. It starts out little by little, where they are nice to you, and goes on from there. That’s the grooming process, and these molesters know exactly what they are doing.”

It wasn’t my fault. And honestly, it probably wasn’t my brother’s fault either. He was a child too. Older than me, but a child nonetheless. Somebody did that to him, and then he did it to me.

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[…] to me is that I took candy in exchange for my body, and I talked about that in Reasons 28 and 29. Some part of me understands that I was probably seeking love and acceptance, and willing to sell […]

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Hi Butterfly,

I’m glad that you got that response from your husband. He is right. I agree with you people’s reactions to our secrets can be healing and freeing.

I do believe that your brother is to blame for abusing you. He was abused but only a small minority of victims become abusers, like 5%. So that is on him, no matter what age he was.

My mother constantly tried to bribe me with food. When I didn’t capitulate she quickly went into violence. I was tiny, I needed food, any time I got any food off of her was good. It was not my fault. It was not your fault.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

i’m so glad you have the gift of a supportive loving Husband, i’m so sorry for what you went through,no one has the right to judge..thank you for having such courage to blog about what you have been through. you are making a difference.
you are reaching into my heart like no one ever has.

Comment by buckwheatsrisk

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