Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #38: Zoloft

I went to the doctor a few days ago for my ever-increasing anxiety and depression. The nurse asked me what I was there for, and I said “anxiety”. The nurse took down my info and said “the doctor will be in in a minute”. As she was leaving the room, I touched her arm and said “Do people come here for this?” She said “Yes. It’s better to get it now than when it is too late and it is controlling your life.” Too late for that lady, I thought. I started to cry. She was VERY nice. She hugged me. G-d bless these wonderful nurses.

The doc came into the room. I told her the truth, that I was anxious and it was interfering with my life. I find myself cancelling events so that I don’t have to leave the house. When I am outside, I am afraid in the parking lot, and the mad dash from the parking lot to whatever building I need to get to is overwhelming. I am terrified of rape, I told her.

When I described what was happening to me in the parking lot with the hypervigilance and the terror, she added “the looking over your shoulder constantly”, and I wondered if she, too, was a survivor. Then she said that she likes to prescribe zoloft because it doesn’t cause dependence, (though you do have to wean on and off this drug), and because the side effects are minimal in her experience. I agreed to medically drug myself for the first time in my life.

I have always been against the use of pharmaceuticals for this issue for myself. Politically, I feel like drugs have always been used to silence women. And who are women? Survivors. Men fuck us in so many ways our whole life, and then when we react to it, they drug us into a stupefied silence. So I have been against it.

But my life has become – bad. Writing this blog has been difficult, and trying to maneuver through memories constantly makes me feel like every parking lot is filled with scary bad men waiting to hurt me. When it gets to the point where everyone is bad, it is time for me to realize that it’s not the whole world that is bad, it’s me that is fucked up. So I agreed to the drug. I took my first dose today.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. If that babysitter hadn’t started this whole ball rolling, my brother never would have fucked with me. My dad, who knows. If these events hadn’t happened, I would be a very different Butterfly today.

6 Comments so far
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I am so happy I found your blog.

I know all about those reasons, though I haven’t touched on them in my blog…not yet. One step at a time …

But thank you for putting this out there. You’ve touched upon some spots that I’d love to comment on, but there just aren’t enough electrons. 😉

I’m right there with you. I know the pain. It’s not you that’s fucked up — they fuck up and them we’re left with the pieces.

I’ll be back to read more of your “reasons”. I bet I’ll see myself right there, too.

Thanks for sharing. ((hugs)) We’re out here. 😉

Comment by All Time Love


Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. I cherish every comment from every reader, because it makes me feel like I am not alone.

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

There is nothing wrong with admitting we need help. I am on Xanax, Prozac AND Buspar for my depression/anxiety. I am on some other meds for other psychiatric problems that I am not yet ready to reveal publically *SIGH*. It helps. I really KNOW I couldn’t function without all these medications. Myself, I couldn’t take Zoloft, but I know people on it, and it works wonders for them. So try it, but IF it doesn’t work, don’t give up, try, try again. Sometimes it will take three or four times of moving to a different medication before “BAM” you find the right one for you!! Thanks for commenting and worrying about me! It is always nice to know someone cares, and is WILLING to say it to me! I need that actually! *gently hugs*


Comment by V

Good for you for reaching out. I really like that your doctor explained well why she was prescribing what she was. Some doctors can be so cold. I’ve never been on meds for my anxiety, I do all the non-med things I can (avoiding caffeine, vitamins, relaxation exercises, prayer, ‘doing-it-anyway-till-it-gets-easier’), but I know anxiety has affected my life, mostly by avoiding things that I really really want to do until I forget I want to do them, not to mention the sleepless nights and next day fogginess. I’ve thought whether drugs might make that easier, but so far haven’t looked into it. I hope you’ll let us know how it goes.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

[…] mood all the time, but I was still experiencing anxiety and panic. I think I need more help than a primary care physician can give me, and I think it’s time to see a psychiatrist. Maybe he can find the right drug […]

Pingback by Reason #57: How Many People Does It Take to Fix a Butterfly? « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

The use of meds are a valid healing method.

Hope you have found a good med or meds to help with the anxiety. I know that I have gotten some help from meds at times, and they helped me to move along in my healing.


Comment by kate1975

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