Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #44: People Inadvertantly Hurt Your Feelings
January 30, 2009, 1:29 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

After I ‘came out’ as a survivor of incest during my teen years (see Reason #43: Forced Visitation), there was some fallout to deal with. Needless to say, my dad’s side of the family stopped talking to me altogether. In one fell swoop, I lost my grandma, my uncle, my dad, and my brother. (My brother went to live with my father during and after the divorce.) I was glad to be rid of my dad and brother.

My grandmother said I was lying. She needed to believe that her son wouldn’t do such things, rather than believe that her teenaged granddaughter was telling the truth. She stopped talking to me altogether.

My mother’s side kind of believed me, but even they said stupid things to me. My aunt said “Things happen between brother and sister.” I said “Oral sex doesn’t happen.” She shut up then.

I think the most hurtful thing happened inadvertantly though. It happened with my beloved grandfather, my mom’s father. He would never intentionally hurt a soul. He was a Holocaust survivor who had lost his whole family in the camps. Anyway though, my mom told me that after my family found out about my surviving incest, my grandpa told her he was afraid to hug me, for fear that I would run to the cops and say he molested me.

Mom should never have told me that. I mean, I hadn’t noticed any difference in grandpa – it wasn’t like he stopped hugging me, so I would never have known that he said that to Mom if Mom hadn’t told me. I couldn’t help but cry when she told me though. I mean, it’s not like I just run to the fucking cops every time someone hugs me. Shit went down between my brother and I, and my father and I that was a lot more fucked up than a hug, you know?

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. It wasn’t enough to have to deal with surviving incest, but after I had to worry about how other people would feel around me too?

5 Comments so far
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Amen, Sister! I think one of the worst things about incest is the ignorant things people say and think and how hard it makes it to connect with others.
I actually had a boyfriend, years ago, who I had been together with for years and was convinced had been fully briefed and understood, until he said, upon seeing a picture of me as a child “You were so cute. I can see now why your father loved you so much.” Un-be-lievable stupidity from a man I was certain understood the difference between rape and love. Needless to say I tore a strip off of him, forbade him to say anything so stupid again, and fairly soon after, dumped him. The losing family members thing sucks too.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterly,

I am sorry that you lost family members in your brave telling and that others wrongly feared being close to you physically. A child knows the difference between a hug and rape or coerced sexual involvement. It is hard enough having abusers but then to lose other members of the family because they feel the need to defend a child sex offender, how horrible that is. I can relate.

I had a brother say to me what is going to stop you from saying you remember me sexually abusing you? He actually thought that I would falsely accuse him. I told him if he never sexually abused me he should never fear me saying he had.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Sorry for the misselling on your name.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Kate,

What a beautiful response – “I told him if he never sexually abused me he should never fear me saying he had.” Excellent way to put it!

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly,


It is amazing to me how effective the witchhunt accusations have been on society.

I wanted to reassure him that my memories were truthful and accurate without saying that I trusted and believed that he had never abused me. I just did not have that high level of trust to give him. I don’t think that as a survivor I should feel obligated to help him when he is upset because I start talking about abusers from my childhood.

I’m sorry for the pain and distance that was created in your family. But I am so happy you told and were able to be safe from being re-abused by this person.


Comment by kate1975

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