Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #45: Coming to bed alone
February 5, 2009, 1:25 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

Last night, I was tired by 10PM, but the huz wasn’t. He said, “Why do we always have to go to bed at the same time?”

I felt ashamed, as I always do whenever my terror is brought up to my eyes. I went to bed alone, thinking about my friend who once told me that even if she gets tired at 7PM, her husband always comes up to bed with her. If he isn’t ready to go to sleep, he just watches tv until he falls asleep.

It has been two weeks on the zoloft now. Shouldn’t that shit be working by now? Maybe it’s the dosage. Or maybe it’s the fact that three people in my life fucked me when I was a child, and now as an adult I am fucking afraid.

I laid in bed last night terrified of my closet. What if someone was hiding in there, waiting for me to fall asleep, so that he can catch me unaware? Isn’t that the way all terror works – evil catches good unaware?

So, I am laying there in bed last night, alone, scared, terrified, eyes wide open. I went up there because I was tired, but who the fuck can sleep with the man in the closet? So, I laid there awake until the huz got there. Ashamed of myself, ashamed of my relief when he finally came up to bed. Ashamed at all of this.

“Why do we always have to go to bed at the same time” he had asked. Because I am a survivor of incest and child sex abuse, and the miracle of surviving it also unfortunately means that I am afraid of imaginary people touching me, no matter what new pharmaceutical drugs the medical world comes up with to help me relax.

Obviously, yet again, my history of sex abuse is taking its toll on yet another relationship in my life. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


4 Comments so far
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I used to be the same way. The terror is absolutely real. It’s so fucking real.

No promises, but maybe in time that will be something you’ll see ease off a bit. Just speaking from personal experience, it took years for me to be able to sleep alone, but it’s better now. Much.

Some things do get better, easier, less terrifying. In the meantime, try to replace the shame with something else–Anger towards your abusers, anything other than shame. Easier said than done, I know.((hugs))

And keep sharing. It helps the healing process.

/cliches (sorry, I’m full of them today, but damn it! sometimes they’re true)

Comment by All Time Love

I understand so strongly hon. “Dad” has ruined me. I am scared of everything, even my own shadow. I am always jumpy and usually on edge, just waiting for him or someone else (usualy my stupid family) to hurt me. I am petrified of strangers, and my autism makes that even worse. Every noise I hear at night scares me — “Is it Dad breaking in again to rape me???” *SIGH* Yes, this is what happens when you fuck kids. 😦

Comment by V

Yup. I can’t sleep till the spouse is in bed either. For me it’s being afraid that I’ll fall asleep and then get startled when she comes in. Pets help me a lot, actually. I used to have a hard time getting up to go to the bathroom in the night, but somehow knowing that the dogs would sense someone if they broke in, before I could, helps a lot.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I can understand the fear. I react the same way to night terrors, even feeling ashamed and subnormal. But it is not your shame. It is the shame of those who abused you.

Sweet dreams in deep sleep.

Kate

Comment by kate1975




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