Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #49: Betrayal
February 19, 2009, 1:33 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

When I was less than five years old, my mom innocently hired a babysitter from a newspaper ad. This teenaged girl came into our home, my mom left, and she proceeded to use my brother and I for her own sexual enjoyment. I have no memory of this, of the actual event, of this person. But right after that, I began a lifetime of hypervigilance and panic. I began covering my head while I slept. I would leave a little hole so I could breathe, but other than that I was totally covered.

I would lay there hidden under a mountain of covers even in the summer. I would be hot and sweating, but I would never even consider the possibility of less than three covers. I would lay under there wondering if the bad people could see me. If they stabbed me while I lay there, would the knife penetrate all those layers? Would they even know I was under there, under all those covers? Now that I am an adult, I know the answer to these questions is yes, so I still lay there like that. This, by the way, is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

When I was 13, I was seeing a shrink because I was suicidal. I described to him how I was literally afraid that when I laid down, I would be stabbed in the back. I said “I know what you’re thinking – that this is some metaphor for betrayal. Well it’s not.”

It was and it is, and last night as I lay in bed huddled under the covers with the image of the knife in my back, I thought to myself “This is some fucked up shit right here.” Then I couldn’t take the overwhelming fear of the imagery in my head, the knife in my back, so I sat up and turned the tv on. The light from the tv lit up the room. Suddenly things were easier. Light makes everything easier in a world where you are afraid of the dark. As I lay back down with the covers over my head, I could see the flickering light of the tv out of the airhole I left for myself. As I tried to fall asleep, I comforted myself with this thought: ‘At least when they attack me, I will see it’.

4 Comments so far
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My god … I know that feeling so well. Blankets were my shield for so long. I “get” your story so well that it breaks my heart.

For me, it wasn’t a knife in the back, it was vampires attacking me and sucking the life out of me.

Both fears adequately describe the “experience” I think.


Comment by All Time Love

Yup, me too. Still have to have a blanket with some ‘weight’ to it in order to sleep, even in the hottest weather. I can stick my foot out sometimes now, though, when before I thought ‘they/it’ could grab it and pull me under the bed.

I like the style of your writing, the truthfulness of it, the little details. You definitely convey this too common experience powerfully.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I’m sorry that you expeirenced this and that this seems to be a common experience.

It has only been in the last few years that I have been able to sleepw with a sheet in the middle of a hot summer night, instead of a blanket wrapped around me tightly. I call it cocooning, not sure where i heard that phrase about the sleeping style, but I used to do it and no one in my family ever commented on it, though none of them were like me. Actually I don’t know that anyone has ever commented on it. Hypervigilance seems something that others would comment on, perhaps they are in too much denial to notice what someone else is going though.

Thanks for your post. Very evocative.


Comment by kate1975

[…] theme is betrayal, and it’s not the first time I have written about betrayal in this blog.  It’s in my life, in my dreams, in my past, and apparently, in my present. Leave a Comment […]

Pingback by Reason #240: Feelings of Betrayal « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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