Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #54: Trembling
March 4, 2009, 1:04 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Yesterday I was showering, and I thought I heard something, and I immediately froze and started shaking. Trembling seems to be the way I have been handling fear for the last five years or so.

This trembling shit started when my husband asked me to marry him. I was terrified of marriage (probably because of my parents). Still though, I loved my husband and I wanted to be with him. I said yes, despite my fear.

The trembling started on my wedding day. I was at the beauty parlor with my mom and aunt, and the hairdresser put the veil on my head. My hands started shaking. I thought it was weird, but figured it was hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) or nerves or whatever. Then my teeth started chattering. I said to my mom “Something’s wrong with my hands and teeth.”

My mom said “Sweetie, everything’s going to be okay. This is a good thing you are doing.” I had no idea what she was talking about. My husband is a great man, and I didn’t have doubts about that. I was trying to tell her that something was physically wrong with me. She could see I didn’t understand what she was saying though, and so she repeated it to me over and over. “Sweetie, you’re doing a good thing, you have nothing to be afraid of. You’re going to a good place, this is meant to be.”

I realized then that my mom thought I was afraid, and that I was trembling from fear. I thought she was stupid and wrong.

That night, our wedding night, my husband and I were kissing in bed. He was on top of me. I started trembling uncontrollably. My teeth started chattering so hard I couldn’t get the words out to say “stop”. This is what happens to survivors of child sex abuse. We get real scared and we start shaking. And even though my husband was “safe”, lots of fucking people in my life were supposed to be safe, like babysitters and brothers and fathers. And shit, if these trusted people weren’t “safe”, then who was this man, this husband, to be “safe”? I mean really, what the fuck does “safe” mean in a world where people fuck kids anyway?

In the midst of this bout of trembling and shaking, I realized that mom was neither stupid nor wrong, but instead (as usual) mom was right. My sweet husband could see what was happening and stopped. I said “something seems to be wrong with my hands and my teeth”, but my teeth were chattering so bad it didn’t come out very coherent. My husband said “Baby, it’s okay. We don’t do anything that you don’t want to do.” I cried then, because it was my wedding night, and for heaven sake – can I please fuck my husband on our wedding night for heaven sake?

We didn’t have sex that night, and we haven’t had sex a lot of the nights of our marriage because of this.

5 Comments so far
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Another perfect example … *sigh* ((hugs))

I don’t really have anything profound to add. It’s just sad and messed up what these bastards do.

… thinking of you.

Comment by All Time Love

I can relate, not to the trembling per se but to the need and difficulty in saying I need to stop, and the sadness and frustration when it is necessary to do so. Including things definitely not there during the abuse help for me, like music, scents and sunlight, to keep it in the present, but even that doesn’t always work.

May we outlive them all, and dance upon their graves!

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Fear and trembling are responses to abuse and coping with sexuality. It is insidious. How much I wish that were not true.

I must echo SwordDanceWarrior is saying, May we outlive them all, and dance upon their graves!


Comment by kate1975

[…] been shaking like this ever since I got married.  It’s embarrassing, it’s uncontrollable, and it happens in every possible situation.  […]

Pingback by Reason #175: Columbine « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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