Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #55: Pathetic
March 10, 2009, 4:22 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , ,

I was home all day yesterday. Didn’t leave the house at all. I spent some of the day locked in my room, because I was afraid. I went up there to get something, thought I heard a noise elsewhere in the house, and ended up spending an hour locked in my room. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

A few years ago, I used to get home before my mom and girlfriend. All three of us were living together. I guess my work hours ended earlier in the day than their work hours did. I would get home, experience panic about going inside my home because I was terrified that some lurking evil would be in there waiting for me, and decide not to go into my home. Instead, I would sit inside my hot car until either my mom or girlfriend got home. Many times I waited for up to two hours. In a hot car. Yeah. That’s not humiliating.

When my girlfriend or mom would get home, I would pretend that I had just gotten home too. Then I would get out of my car, and whoever had gotten home would say “You’re just getting home now too?” And I would inevitably nod my head and lie and say “Yes.”

I lied because the whole thing was and is humiliating. It’s pathetic and weird to lock myself in my room out of fear of imaginary things. And just as pathetic and weird to lock myself out of my house for the same reasons. But I know, and you, dear reader, know that this shit wasn’t always imaginary. I mean, someone, three someones, proved to me that there’s scary shit in and out of my home.

So I locked myself in my room yesterday. When the huz got home, he said “How was your day?” And I took a second to debate whether I should be honest or not. I wasn’t sure what to do. Do I admit my patheticness or do I just say “fine”? I thought about that Muriel Rukeyser quote that says “If one woman told the truth about her life, the whole world would split open.”

I looked at him and said “I locked myself in the room because I was afraid”. And I was immediately embarrassed and ashamed, and my world did split open. My sweet husband looked at me and said “Baby, you poor thing. That must have sucked!!”

It did suck, and the huz is a sweetheart for not making me feel like shit about it. I said “It’s embarrassing and humiliating to admit it.” He said “Baby, don’t be embarrassed. You were afraid.”

My husband once said “Fear is a learned thing. Children are taught to fear through things that happen to them. They wouldn’t be naturally afraid but for people teaching them to be afraid.”

People taught me to be afraid. And now I am afraid.

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