Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #56: My Fat Ass

I suppose I cannot blame my whole fat ass on the sex abuse. I mean, I am Jewish and come from a family of Jews. We Jews are not exactly known for our restraint with the food. Plus, my whole family is a bunch of fat asses too.

BUT. When my brother started molesting me, I did start eating in a conscious effort to change my body. I thought that perhaps if I ate enough and got fat enough, he wouldn’t want me anymore. When my dad started molesting me, I ate for the same reasons. Only his shit made me so sick, I would throw it all up. I couldn’t take it. I would literally have bulimic attacks anytime I thought about it. For years, I binged and threw up on his birthday.

This Monday, I had six weeks of solid dieting under my belt. I hit 10 lbs of weight loss. I got excited. I went shopping for a new shirt. I calculated how long it would take for the next five to come off. I thought about how great I would look. How I would fit into my skinny jeans again. How men would find me attractive. How being thin opens me up to the possibility of rape.

Just so we’re clear – I understand that women (and men) of all shapes and sizes get raped. I get that. In my mind though, if I am thin, it is easier to overtake me, to overpower me. The size of my ass is directly related to my own comfort level, both up and down the scale. It’s not rational, but frankly, fucking kids isn’t rational either.

I told myself that I was getting healthier, not thinner. Rape doesn’t have to happen just because I get thinner. I will never be a child again, and no one can ever do that to me again the way it happened to me those times with my brother, and my father, and that babysitter. I am an adult now. Getting thin is just about getting thin, and that’s that. And then I binged my brains out and threw it all up while crying.

This seems to happen to me every time I hit some sort of milestone on the scale, like 10 lbs or 20 or 25, etc. The whole process of weight loss is just so fucking frightening. As more weight comes off, more of my real body shows. I am so used to being hidden under layers of fat, and as the real me emerges from underneath – well, it’s terrifying, frankly. Last time my real body was shown, a babysitter took interest in it, a brother used it against my will, and a father stared at its growing parts. This is probably why I hide my body in layers of fat, and this is also why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

5 Comments so far
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I know that happens to a lot of girls/women who are/were molested. I am sorry you feel the way you do. But may *I* say that I like “fluffy” women, I think they are beautiful and curvy, so don’t be so hard on yourself hon! I am skinny as a rail, and believe it or not, I get flack for that from people “You need to eat a sammich!”. Ack! No! My friend Kevin is a recovering bulimic, that was his “control” of things from being fucked by his “Dad”. We got him help thank God and he is doing really good. He’s been doing well for over 10 years now! So just love yourself for who you are, be proud, because you are a butterfly and you ARE beautiful! *Safe hugs*


Comment by V

V – thank you. This was so sweet of you to say. I have to say, thank goodness, the huz likes fat girls too or we would never have gotten together. 🙂

Comment by butterflysblog

I’m with you on the eating to cover up and drive away the creeps. I’m also on a diet, and I get you on the two steps forward one back sabotage and backlashes of fear. Good for you for putting it together. Six weeks is a long, brave journey, given what you’re fighting. I’m not saying you need to lose weight, but I want to honour the bravery it takes to strip off some unneeded armour. Way to go butterfly warrior!

Comment by sworddancewarrior

“I am so used to being hidden under layers of fat, and as the real me emerges from underneath – well, it’s terrifying, frankly.”

Hi Butterfly,

I have heard so many survivors talk about this. I understand this as I tend to like to keep the eyes of other abusers from gazing at me.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

[…] survivor of childhood sexual abuse It has been established elsewhere in this blog that I have a fat ass. I have determined that I am unsucessful so far at straight dieting, so I have decided that I need […]

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