Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #62: Business Trips

It looks like my husband has to take a business trip for about a week at some point in the near future. As always, when presented with the probability of being alone, I immediately begin strategizing. Who can I get to be with me during that time so that I don’t have to be alone? I even have a prayer about it where I liken the time spent to jail time. I ask G-d to make the time spent “easy time”, not “hard time”.

“Hard time” is spent in a constant panic, listening for every noise, counting the minutes till the huz gets back, constantly convincing myself that I am okay. It is my own personal hell.

I asked the usual suspects if they could come stay with me (i.e., mom and best friend), but both have to work. In this economy, it would really be a shitty thing to do for me to ask someone to take off of work just to come babysit me, a 35 year old woman.

I cried myself to sleep last night because I realized I was in my own personal jail. The more I thought about it, I likened myself to the time traveler in that book by Audrey Niffenegger — “The Time Traveler’s Wife“. It’s an excellent book by the way, if you need something to read. Anyway, in the book, the time traveler guy travels through time without warning or choice. He can’t help it, it’s just something his body does. He has no choice about where or when he goes either. He eventually lands in a structure that he never wanted to be in but always feared he would be. And that is me. I worry all the time about landing here, and sure enough, here I am.

This morning I was talking/crying about it with my husband, and I said “It’s humiliating. This whole thing is humiliating, being so afraid of being alone, needing people to basically babysit me while you are away.” The huz was kind about it, as he always is. He said “Baby, I wish you would stop thinking about it that way. This is a result of things that happened to you. Would you tell a guy coming back from the war in Iraq that his Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is humiliating? Of course not. He has PTSD as a result of what he went through, and you have PTSD as a result of what you went through. It’s not your fault, it’s not anything you did, it’s just what is.”

My husband is a sweet wonderful man. But he is going away on a business trip. And I will be alone and scared and doing hard time. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We become adults who are terrified of being alone. A simple business trip becomes a matter of panic of epic proportions.

14 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I feel a little less humiliated and alone myself now that I’ve read this. Thank you. I’m not sure it helps you to know that, but it has helped me to read this.

Your journal, along with others, inspired me starting mine, and I’m thankful.

Comment by oniongirl13

It absolutely does help, and has brightened my day considerably. What is the address of your blog?

Comment by butterflysblog

I get scared when no one is here with me too. D isn’t here right now, Kev is going home to Italy for a couple of weeks to spend time with his husband, son and cat. SO I will be here alone, now every noise I hear at night I will be even MORE scared it is “Dad” coming back for a “visit”. I will deal with it though…I have to. If you need to talk, I am here…you can talk to me anytime, you know that! *hug*


Comment by murderousthoughts

Hi V – you are so compassionate and empathetic. Two qualities that I think are the most beautiful in people.

Comment by butterflysblog

I love how accurately you describe the dilemmas so many of us face.

Being scared to have no allies, no safe people is a big deal – it’s what we lived as kids. I think its the feelings that go with that time, still remembered even if the actual events aren’t.

I know you will figure out what to do, but I can’t help being helpful – How about borrowing a big dog for security? If you don’t have a friend with one, some of the animal shelters allow you to ‘foster’ certain dogs without adopting them, and usually they pay for the food and such.

I give you a virtual survivor pride t-shirt that says “I have survived much worse than this. I can do anything.” May G-d give you the easiest possible time.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi SwordDanceWarrior,

What a beautiful compassionate response – thank you so much. I, too, was thinking about the big dog scenario. I am going to keep trying human options first, and dog options second. If I foster a second dog, I will have to keep her. I can’t help it, I love animals.

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] Reason #62: Business Trips […]

Pingback by Reason #63: Still we cry « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] Reason #62: Business Trips […]

Pingback by Reason #64: We Hire Babysitters for Ourselves « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] Reason #62: Business Trips […]

Pingback by Reason #65: I’m Just Not That Into Me « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] abuse, fear of the dark, fear of the night, hypervigilance, panic, war My husband is home from his business trip. Thankfully, it was the easiest possible of hard time that I had to do, with the circumstances I […]

Pingback by Reason #73: It’s like a war « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] me being alone in the house; a residual, I am sure, of the huz having left and come back from his business trip). It was 2:30AM, and as always when I wake from sleeping, I had to pee. This happens to everyone, […]

Pingback by Reason #74: Can’t even pee in peace « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] tired. I am still getting over the fact that I was traumatized last week by my husband leaving on a business trip. This happens every time he goes away. We go through a period afterwards of what I call […]

Pingback by Reason #75: Embarrassment « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Hi Butterfly,

I’m thinking how good it is that you are talking about this, though I know it is not easy to have to deal with nor to talk about. I think that you are so very brave.

I really liked the response of your husband. You wouldn’t blame these others in this kind of situation. You aren’t to blame either.

I have often thought over the last twenty years that having flashbacks, living with being an abuse survivor is exactly like being a time traveler who is not in control of their travels. I will have to try to get this book. Thank you for reaching out to others when you are in going through so much. It means a lot.


Comment by kate1975

[…] consequently, I am terrified of being alone, especially in the dark.¬† I have already written about the trauma of his business trips before, and the idea of him having to take more of them in the future already causes me no small […]

Pingback by Reason #206: It fucks our partners’ jobs too « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: