Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #63: Still we cry
March 28, 2009, 1:33 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Last night, I was again crying in bed because my husband has to take this business trip, and I can’t handle it. I keep trying to think up solutions to me not having to be alone all week, but so far every avenue has failed. I have now asked five people (some friends, some family) to stay with me during that time. I have been humiliated five times by asking, and five times more by hearing my loved ones say no in a kind way.

The thing is, they are all right to say no to this request. They all have lives that have things happening during that particular week, and thus they cannot take time out from their lives to come babysit mine. It’s not their fault.

As the last no came in yesterday, I found myself absolutely hating myself. I was filled with such self-loathing. Finally, thankfully, the huz and I went up to bed. When the light was turned off and the room was awash in darkness, I was safe to cry and feel all these horrible feelings. It was okay to admit defeat in the darkness, and even more okay to admit my feelings about being defeated my personal demons once again.

The huz heard me crying and pulled me to him. He put his hands on my face, and my tears wet his hand.

And he fell asleep. In the middle of my crying. Now, in his defense, he has been working crazy hours, and has been stressed about the nature of this business trip, and even more stressed about the effect this business trip is having on me. But still I couldn’t help but be angry. Irrationally speaking, this is all his fault with this stupid business trip. This is ‘irrational speak’ because it’s not really his fault, he argued against the business trip and lost, and his company won, and in this economy you can’t go trying to win wars with your job.

So there he was asleep and there I was crying, and I couldn’t help but feel even more humiliated. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We cry so much our husbands eventually fall asleep to it. We can’t help but cry though, because our sadness is so big it’s like an ocean. Waves of it keep coming even when everyone else is ready for the waves to stop.


4 Comments so far
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*hugs* I am so sorry hon! I hope these feelings ease up for you SOON!

I cry a lot too, I cry every day. I’ve had people I’ve dated in the past tell me I cry “too much” *SIGH*. First off, I am a highly emotional person, secondly, I am a victim of horrible abuse, what do they expect of me? I can’t hold it in, it only hurts more then.

I know exactly what you mean about the huz falling asleep to your crying. It’s sad when those we love “get used” to our tears.

Things WILL get better for you, just keep your chin up, and keep breathing! *safe hugs*

~V

Comment by murderousthoughts

My spouse falls asleep in the middle of conversations about feelings too. Grief is important but non-survivors don’t have much stamina for it, looks like. We even joke about it when she’s feeling sleepless, that I could help by talking about my feelings. With her, it seems like she gets overwhelmed and her body shuts down, a combination of avoidance and the fact that she’s sleep deprived a lot of the time. We once did a deal on her day off where we would process until we’d resolved what we needed to talk through, but in bursts with little naps in between. It was wierd, and it took several hours, but it worked. We haven’t done it since though. I try to avoid ‘elective’ emotional discussions at night in bed now, and she’s surprized me by being quite supportive when I wake up from a nightmare or something and it’s not optional.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

[…] Reason #63: Still we cry […]

Pingback by Reason #64: We Hire Babysitters for Ourselves « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Hi Butterfly,

I’m sorry this happened and you felt humiliated further. Most people are sleep deprived and so it is hard to deal with much at bedtime. but I know you deserved to be held and heard. I’m sorry that you didn’t get that and I understand the pain.
Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975




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