Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #64: We Hire Babysitters for Ourselves

As you know, I have spent several days crying about the prospect of being alone because my husband has an upcoming business trip. I asked five loved ones to stay with me, and heard five kind no’s. I understand.

My mom is here this weekend, and it affords me the safety of clearer thinking. In a bold move of patheticness, I hired a babysitter to “help me with my son” while the huz is away. Now, while it’s true that I welcome the help with my son, the whole thing is such a pathetic fucking lie. I need her here so that I am not crazy and acting like a panic-stricken loon the whole time the huz is away. I would always do right by my son, which to me would mean acting like everything is okay so that he doesn’t have to worry. With the help of the babysitter a few hours every night, things really can be okay so that neither of us has to worry. So in a way, her being here would make everything better and she would be helping me with my son.

See what I did there? I am rationalizing PAYING SOMEONE TO FUCKING BABYSIT ME in adulthood. Pathetic. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

It’s funny. When I was bulimic, I was always reaching new lows. There were always emotional places that my bulimia would take me that I would think to myself “That’s it. I could not possibly get any lower than this.” But like all addictions, I would go even lower. Like the time I excused myself to throw up in the bathroom of a McDonald’s when my best friend knew exactly what I was doing. Humiliating and an all time low. Until the time my mom walked in on me throwing up. That time I knew for sure it would be my last new low. Until the times I started throwing up into containers in my locked bedroom so that the sound of retching into a toilet bowl of water wouldn’t be heard by my mother.

See what I mean? Our shit takes us to new lows. This here shit, hiring a babysitter so that I am not alone – that is a new humiliating low. Before I was married, I used to take time off of my life when I knew I was going to be alone. By that I mean that I would go sleep over friend’s houses, go back home to live with mom during that time, go to aunts and relatives, etc. But now I am ensconced in a life that would be very difficult for me to just leave, with my son and my work and what not. So, now I need others to take time off of their lives to come babysit mine.

In my life, I have only ever met one other person who was as afraid to be alone as I was. When I asked my girlfriend about this woman who was afraid to be alone, my girlfriend said this: “Oh, yeah, one time her roommates didn’t come home on time, and they didn’t tell her they were going to be late, and she totally freaked out on them. She yelled at them for a long time.”

Of course I said “But why is she so afraid to be alone?” She said, “Oh, a gang of men molested her when she was a little girl.” What was funny about it was that even though my girlfriend was a survivor and knew I was a survivor, she said it like it was an afterthought, like that happens every day. (Which it does.)

Maybe all of us survivors should set up some sort of free survivor babysitting service for each other. I mean, we all understand what it is to be afraid, and we would never humiliate each other about it, so if we called up the service and said “Yup, gonna be alone on this date to this date, need some company,” the service could say “No problem, we have at least three survivors on call in your area. She’ll be here by such and such time.”


7 Comments so far
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I think that is a great idea! It would be nice to be able to have someone come to you when you are scared and alone. As I said, I am alone for now. Every noise (especially at night) freaks me out, and the sad thing is, I can’t look outside to see what the noise is, because I am soooo terrfied I might see “Dad’s” face. 😦 It sucks that our abusers have ruined so many facets of our lives by their sickness.

Hon, don’t be humilitated. You are a survivor and it’s OK to feel these things. Don’t beat yourself up…*safe, gentle hugs to you* You know my email if you want to vent or just talk!

~V

Comment by murderousthoughts

I also think this would be an amazing idea. Survivor sleep overs! 🙂

Comment by oniongirl13

I agree, I think it’s a genius idea. You’re being proactive looking after your needs, keeping yourself safe and taking good care of your son, what’s to be ashamed of in that? Nothing. Having survivor friends is pretty important, because other people don’t have the frame of reference to get it. Well done, and I’m not just saying that to be supportive. I hired a person to come an clean our house and cook food for me so I’d eat, (and also keep me company a bit, since I worked from home) which I felt embarrassed about at first, since I can do that stuff for myself, but it helped reduce my stress at a busy time in my job and made a big difference. Most people I told about it were jealous rather than judgy.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I personally don’t think it is a new low. I think it is a good coping method to recognize that you have a need and have found a way to fill that need for part of those days.

You are showing a progression of understanding. Many survivors are not able yet to identify what is triggering or making them panic. Many survivors are not able yet to understand the connection from what they are feeling and experiencing to their abuse histories. Many survivors are not yet able to do anything but addictive behaviors to manage what you are currently going through. Many survivors have not yet learned any healthy coping methods or techniques to help them to manage their lives, their emotions, and their abuse history and its aftereffects. So I see what you are saying, you see this as a new low. I see how far you have come, because you are not where many survivors still are. Good for you on getting a babysitter. I think it is a great way to deal.

I lived with others for years. Even when it was awful I would rather live with someone else. It brought so much instability and uncertainty into my life, having to rely on someone else. Now I have been living alone for a long time. I still hate it. I think I always will. It is hard to like a state of being that makes you feel more terrorized and afraid.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

[…] I had to do, with the circumstances I was in. My sister-in-law agreed to stay overnights, and I paid someone to stay with me babysit my son for some of the other […]

Pingback by Reason #73: It’s like a war « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] baby for a walk by myself, afraid to take the baby to the mall by myself, etc. The theme here is ‘by myself’, and since my fear stops me from doing these things, they of course fall to him or us together. The […]

Pingback by Reason #182: It fucks our partners too « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] know, when my husband travels on business, the idea of being alone at night scares me so badly, I would choose to pay someone to stay with me if I could.  I have long felt that we should have some sort of service for survivors of child sexual abuse […]

Pingback by Reason #233: Guarding Issues « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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