Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #65: I’m Just Not That Into Me
March 30, 2009, 9:58 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

As you know, the huz and I don’t fuck each other, and haven’t now for about two and a half years. We stopped seeing that marital counselor, and surprise surprise, we still aren’t fucking each other.

One of the things I generally complain about to the huz about is the fact that when we go to bed, he immediately falls asleep, whereas I think a few minutes of pillow talk and then sleep might be quite the asset to our marriage. I have also commented to him on the fact that he could at least make the move to kiss or hug me when we are in bed. I feel like I am always the one doing this to him, and it would be nice to feel wanted (in a safe and good way with my husband).

I have been panicked for days now about the huz’s upcoming business trip, and while I didn’t spend last night crying, I did keep going over and over and over again in my head the scary things that could happen while he is away. When we got in bed, my sweet husband reached out to me and tried to pull me closer. I am all caught up in being panicked about his business trip though, and plus I am irrationally angry at him for leaving.

So he reaches for me, and I said “Look, why don’t we skip the whole part tonight where you pretend you’re into me, and let’s just go to sleep.” Startled, he said “I’m not pretending, baby. I am into you.”

I thought about what my husband said. I guess the truth is, with this latest round of humiliation where I am scared to be alone, in a constant state of panic and tears, and then humiliated further by everyone saying no to staying with me –well, I am just not that into myself now. I hate this part of me that is so afraid of everything. I am pretty sure that were it not for the fact that three different people broke my trust in humanity by molesting me when I was a child, I would not have spent the rest of my life afraid of what the rest of humanity has planned for me too. Now that I am talking to other survivors on a regular basis through this blog, I know I am not alone in this either. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

4 Comments so far
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Hey butterfly,
I think you’re great. I guess your friends and your husband will just have to hold faith in you till you get it back. Having an anxiety/panic disorder is nothing to be ashamed of. I came across this info on panic disorders and thought of you. Here it is:

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi SwordDanceWarrior,

You are awesome for thinking of me – thank you!

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] of a word, baby, child sexual abuse, fear So I think we can all agree that my husband puts up with a lot of shit, right? I mean, just in the last post alone was some shit about how I refuse to say what I call […]

Pingback by Reason #78: That fucking “g” word again « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Hi Butterfly,

“I hate this part of me that is so afraid of everything.”

I know that feelings. I know that level of fear. Dear, cut yourself some slack, hopefully as you are able, bit by bit. We are scared, you are right, because of what happened to us. I get so humiliated too and so share only a little bit about this. I can relate. It is very brave of you to be able to talk about you.


Comment by kate1975

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