Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #80: What Came After
April 23, 2009, 9:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

I was watching this movie that I recorded on TiVo called “The Nanny Express”. The nanny character is this woman whose mother died of cancer when she was in high school. She said “I thought the months right before she died were so hard, and it turns out they were nothing compared to the next few years without her.”

That is what it was like for me, surviving the abuse. When it was happening, I thought it was so hard living through this. So hard wondering how to face my dad at the breakfast table when he was looking at me like that, so hard going to school with everyone and their normal problems when mine were mountains that I couldn’t see past.

After Mom divorced him, and both my father and brother were living away, I have never had to live with either of them again. It’s supposed to be good now, right? I mean, the abusers are not living with me anymore.

I didn’t understand that surviving the abuse is one thing, what comes after is real fucked up and hard. It’s been 20 years since I last had to suffer any childhood sexual abuse. I am still fucked up. I still have issues with summer blankets, nighttime terrors, fears of elevators, showering, all kinds of shit that make every day real hard. All these hard things share a common cause. A babysitter, my brother, and my father molested me when I was a child, at separate times. I have been afraid ever since. I am pretty sure that were it not for the kindness of strangers, family, and friends, I would be dead from suicide a long time ago. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

6 Comments so far
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Sending you all my love, Butterfly. Healing is hard. It sucks. But you survived the abuse, and you can survive the healing. I am hopeful that one day these things won’t torment us anymore.

Can I ask – elevators? Really? Me too, but I thought I was the only one. Did something happen in one to do this to you? It didn’t for me, but I’ve never been able to figure it out.

Comment by kerro

Hi Butterfly,

I don’t have the elevator thing but if I am in a crowd and can’t move around I get very claustrophobic/panicky. To me it feels like what some people talk about when they are upset in elevators. And to me that is all about being abused, even though I am probably very safe in a crowd versus alone with an abuser. I understand there is a ocnnection.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Kerro and Kate,

My fear of elevators is that I am afraid that someone will push his way inside the elevator when I am in it, and then I will be stuck with this person in the elevator and he will hurt me.

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Butterly, thank you for sharing that with us. My fear is mostly like Kate’s fear of crowds (which I also have). With elevators I think it’s that I’ll be trapped… I’m not sure how that relates to my abuse, except my need to be able to escape from wherever I am, be it elevators, crowds, rooms, planes, theatres…. I don’t know. I think it’s the same as what you’re saying? I’m rambling, sorry.


Comment by kerro

Hi Butterfly,

Yes that is what I am afraid of as well, being abused and hurt by someone because I am stuck and can’t get away from them. Though it is in a crowd, I still feel that same feeling of being alone and vulnerable because I can’t move freely and feel out of control of my own life and safety.

I don’t know what non-survivors feel about elevators. I just don’t know, but when I see something like that on tv I think that is how I feel stuck in a crowd. It took me a long time to figure out it was about being sexually assaulted and that I was getting triggered.

It sucks to have to figure all this stuff out.

Seeing the connections and fears are important steps.


Comment by kate1975

It’s been nearly 40 years for me, and I’m still somewhat of a mess. It takes such a long time to heal (tho I’m not sure we ever completely heal) and it is such hard work. It IS better for you now. It has to be, now that you are not living with the threat of abuse every day. Those fears come … the triggers that set us off into a state of panic. But constant reminders to yourself that you are no longer in that abusive place can help you manage the anxiety. It’s not easy, but possible. You are doing good work by simply talking/writing about the abuse and your fears. Keep it up.
Peace and safety to you.


Comment by nomorehurt

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