Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #88: The Gyno Visit
May 15, 2009, 12:08 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I went to the gynecologist today. I had my son in 2007, and that was the last time I saw the gyno. Oh, I’ve made countless apointments since 2007, it’s just that I’ve chickened out every time.

This time though, I kept talking myself into keeping this appointment. Even when I started to cry on the way to the appointment, I told myself that going is the right thing to do. I told myself that I would tell the doctor to tell me what is going on before she does anything. I told myself that this doctor is nice and I trust her, and she has always treated me well. And then, as always, I thought about why I am afraid of the gyno. I thought about how I don’t like hands touching me there. I thought about why that is. I thought about my brother and his hands there, and how it made me feel so horrible, and how I would look at the wall and pretend I was the wall the whole time he was touching me.

I thought about how I could be courageous like SwordDanceWarrior and just explain to the doc that “I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and it freaks me out to have people touching me there”. I thought about how she would react to that, with a concerned look or whatever. I thought about that look and how that look happens to me sometimes, and how that look is better than the other kinds of looks, the ones that look at me like I am lying or crazy.

These thoughts repeated themselves over and over again in the last few weeks as I hoped for my period to come the week of this gyno visit. A period would mean another cancellation and rescheduling. It wouldn’t be my fault then, it’s mother nature’s fault. Fault is real big for us survivors, as we constantly need everyone to tell us it’s not our fault. And seldom do we believe them.

It’s not my fault. It was never my fault. I know that for sure now. I am old enough and have had enough therapy to understand that whatever shit the abuse was in my life, the one thing it for sure wasn’t was my fault.

Here is what is though. I should be able to see a medical doctor without all this beforehand and afterhand hoopla. Non-survivors go to the gynecologist and just plain don’t like it. Survivors go to the gynecologist and have panic and crying and intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and fucked up shit. We know for sure that people are willing to touch us in bad ways. And while I understand intrinsically that the gynecologist is ‘safe’, aren’t brothers and fathers and babysitters supposed to be safe too? This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

6 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I think that lots of women who are not survivors have incredible difficult in doing this as well. This isn’t easy and lots of women skip appointments and don’t go for years.

I think it is great that you went. I can relate to how hard it is and that it is about being abused for me as well. I think that you were very brave to go and that you have a lot to be proud of. Good for you.


Comment by kate1975

(((Butterfly))) You are so incredibly brave. Well done. Your post brought tears to my eyes, and panic to my heart. I wimped out on my gynae appointment earlier this week. Just couldn’t go there. You know the feeling. Be proud of yourself for going through with this. xx

Comment by kerro

I think you’re so brave to make the appointment and go. Good for you! I went to the doctor for an ear infection this week, and found out some numbers I haven’t called of women doctors that are accepting patients, but really I have great respect for you for going to the gyno. You go girl! If you can do it, I can do it – this may be the year I actually go. I think too, that with 2 in 5 women having been sexually assaulted as children, every single gyno has examined lots of survivors and if they don’t already know how common it is, and how normal needing the safety things we need really are, they are negligent in their duty as professionals.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I was so lucky to have an excellent gyno … he would tell me every single move he was making, every touch, how it would feel, if it would hurt, be cold, be warm, last a few seconds or take a minute .. he was amazing, and I found it amazing that I felt so comfortable with a male gynecologist. It’s almost as if I made myself choose a male in the first place, just to see…

You’re brave to battle those overwhelming emotions throwing up those barriers; It’s so important to keep our bodies healthy. I think explaining to them in the terms with which you feel comfortable is good enough. Any doc worth their salt will understand. One thing I will caution about: It could be that they may rush through or skip things just to make you feel more comfy, but be strong as you can and let them be thorough, and encourage them to be thorough. It’s SO important, but you know that. ((hugs))

Comment by All Time Love

[…] thing. As I’ve said before this is a tough thing for me; for all survivors (see these posts by Butterfly and Sword Dance Warrior). It was revolting. I flipped out. I was shaking like a leaf, and there […]

Pingback by Sifting through « Kerro’s Korner

[…] be wrong. Second of all, I might have to see the gynecologist, and as my readers know, seeing the vagina doctor is hard for survivors of sex abuse. Too many people have already seen my vagina, and even though […]

Pingback by Reason #176: My Vagina « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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