Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #97: Not being able to do the laundry
June 8, 2009, 12:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

Before we had our son, the washer and dryer was located in our basement. I don’t go in the basement because it has bugs in there (even if it doesn’t, I am convinced it does), and plus I just feel generally anxious in basements. Consequently, my husband was the only one doing the laundry. When I got pregnant, we were both smart enough to realize that there’d be a lot more laundry after the baby was born (and we were right). We tried to figure out a way that I could do laundry too.

My husband moved the washer and dryer up to a more reasonable level of our home, and we both assumed that I would be able to take over some of the laundry duty. We were kind of right, because I do some of the laundry now but not really a lot. I am afraid of the noise. If it’s noisy in here, I can’t hear if someone is coming for me, out to get me. So I try to keep things quiet. A washing machine banging around is an uncontrollable noise when it’s turned on. So, I have to wait until the huz is home in order to actually do some laundry.

I like clean clothes as much as the next person. If I had my druthers, for instance, I’d be doing laundry right now. But then I would have to live the next hour in complete panic at the noise, and I just don’t think that level of panic is worth clean clothes. So, I have to wait until tonight to attempt clean clothes.

Yet another humiliating and shame-filled admission that becomes a reason not to fuck kids. But that is the point of this blog. This is my life, and this is me working through the issues that have arisen from me surviving childhood sexual abuse. Those who love me (like my husband) can forgive my issues, and those who don’t love me wouldn’t have loved me with or without my laundry issues.

Does anyone else in survivor-land also have this fear of noise issue?


4 Comments so far
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Yes, I had a thing about vacuuming when I was in flashback land (fortunately not now, although I’m still not a big vacuumer, or anything else noisy like power tools.) For awhile there when I lived alone I had a carpet sweeper so I didn’t have to deal with the vacuum sound and not being able to hear someone coming up behind me. [little survivor recovery brag here] Lately, I am even able to have earplugs in at night if the window is open and things are too noisy to sleep, as long as my partner and dogs are there. [end of brag] I think I got less anxious about it mostly through linking up my fear of having some one sneak up behind me with the trauma issues – generally I get scared when I’m triggered and angry, so if I focus on feeling the anger, it gets me into warrior mode and the fear dissipates. Also, I’m pretty pissed off that my abuser is still affecting my life in this way, so when I can, I distract myself (“I’m not going there” and sort of changing the mental topic & repeat if it comes back) and do the vacuuming or whatever anyhow as an act of defiance, which seems to take the charge out of it over time. (that’s what the anxiety books say, and it seems to be true for me.) That’s just the way it’s hooked up for me, though, I’m not saying it’s the same for you.
I feel for you, with a baby that’s a lot of laundry you have to find ways to do!

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly,

I get triggered real bad by loud machines. So any kind of housekeeping is very triggering for me. I don’t know yet exactly what about it is triggering. But I do feel very unsafe.

I’m sorry that you go through this. I’m glad that you wait, as to go through that level of panic and are that hypervigilant.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Thank you Kate and SwordDanceWarrior for again letting me know I am not alone. That is the most beautiful part of doing a blog like this: I feel less alone in my survivorness.

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] go. I don’t like the noise of the dishwasher, I can’t shower when he’s not here, laundry machine makes noise, etc. All these things can only be done when he is home, or not at all. Sometimes I do these things […]

Pingback by Reason #182: It fucks our partners too « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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