Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #99: The Inability to Take My Son to the Park

Last night I called my sister in law to see if she wanted to get together today. I figured we could go to the park and bring our kids, and this way my son could do the thing he loves most in the world which is running around outside. I left a message on her answering machine, and she never called me back.

I tried so hard today to get the courage up to take my son to the park by myself. Or shit, even to our own backyard. And I couldn’t do either. I resorted to playing shitty games with him inside on this beautiful day. He was bored and I was bored.

I got depressed by the end of the day, hating myself for the kind of mother I am to him. I have wanted a baby my whole life, and now that I have one, I am fucking it all up. I called my mom tonight and told her how shitty I am at this. She said “I don’t know one mother who doesn’t feel guilty about something.” That’s probably true, but it didn’t make me feel better.

I don’t mean to ‘should’ all over myself, but really, I should be able to take my kid to the park or my own backyard. In my head though, there is always someone waiting there for some unsuspecting idiot (me) to have her guard down and then he will use that opportunity to take my kid or hurt me or hurt us or whatever. So I always chicken out of going outside without another adult present.

In my life so far, I have learned that when other adults are not present, people use my body against my will. This happened with my babysitter when I was less than five. This happened with my brother when I was eight. And it happened with my dad when I was 15. Now I’m scared of being alone and not having another adult present who is on my side. Now that I have seen evil, I know for sure it exists. And I have no compulsion to see it again.

Not being able to take my kid outside on beautiful days. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

1 Comment so far
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Hi Butterfly,

“I got depressed by the end of the day, hating myself for the kind of mother I am to him.”

I’m glad that you called your mom and she told you something good to think about. Every mother feels this way, even the best mothers. They don’t accurately see their parenting. You are doing a great job. Despite what you are dealing with. I’m sorry that you were feeling depressed.

“So I always chicken out of going outside without another adult present.”

Okay this is not chickeing out. You are a survivor and you were hurt and it has effected you and it is terrible and you are not a chicken, you are incredibly brave.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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