Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #103: My Father

My father doesn’t take no for an answer. While this doesn’t surprise me, I find all conversations with him to be upsetting. It’s like in every conversation we have to both repress the fact that he was a weird father who was violent and broke all the possible boundaries with my brother and I. He called me tonight.

When my parents’ marriage started going south, he started treating me like his emotional wife. He would want me to ask him how his day was, cook for him, etc. He had a wife (my mother), but she hated him. Now that I am an adult, I can see why. Anyway, the more I refused, the more he would push me. He kept asking me to hug him. I kept saying no. By the time I was 15, I had been refusing to hug him for a while. I can’t remember if it was a period of weeks or months. He kept asking and asking and demanding and demanding. I kept saying no and no and no and no. ‘No’ was never enough of a fucking answer for him for any question where he wanted the answer to be yes.

Now he says he wants to be closer to me. And again this is me saying no. Except now I live far away from him. On purpose. I am afraid of him. Very afraid of him.

He wants us to be closer, he told me tonight. I said “What does that mean to you?” He said “I’d like to come see you.” Me: “No.” He said “Do you think there will ever be a time when we will be closer?” Me: “No. I think we’re close enough right now.” Then I said “Dad, I didn’t talk to you for 15 years. Now we’re talking. That’s as close as I want to get. Maybe you can learn to live with what I am willing to give, and this is all that I am willing to give.”

And in this whole conversation, it was like we were ignoring the big elephant in the room.

The thing is, I have done the brave thing many times with him. I have told him in person in a therapist’s office why I am upset with him, exactly why I am upset with him. I have written him snail mail letters about it. I have written him e-mails about it. I have told him he violated me, and was violent with me. I have told him and told him and told him. He then chooses to forget about it and say shit like “I want to be closer to you”

Like I don’t want that? Like I wouldn’t rather have a normal father who I can be close to? I hear the words “Daddy’s girl” all the time, my whole life, and I have never understood what the fuck that means. Does it mean that these daughters and fathers are close the way that normal daughters and fathers are? I am pretty sure it means these fathers are in no way fucking their daughters and forcing a life of shit on them, which by the way is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

I mean, he puts it on me, like it’s my ‘craziness’ that forces us to not be close. I’d like to be close too, but in order for that to happen, I would need him to be normal and not keep pushing for some definition of closeness that only appears in his sick dictionary. So I am forced to keep not only an emotional distance but also a physical one.

I am afraid of him, and no matter how many times I tell myself that I am an adult and he doesn’t have the kind of power he had over me as a child, I guess I don’t believe it.


7 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I’m so sorry. I think you are so brave.

So eloquent. This is a great reason…

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

I’m going to take this opportunity to get righteously indignant in your defense and support. If you find the language that follows to be unhelpful or detrimental, please feel free to ignore or remove it. But I feel as though you could use someone getting angry for you. I think you need permission to be angry. These are the words I wish he could hear from you, and the words I sometimes feel you wish you could say. I’ve left a long space below this. If anger and indignation won’t help you, I’ve left the space so that you can delete it without reading.

“You know what, Dad? Screw you. You fucked me, and you fucked my life up. You transgressed against every boundary of what a father should be to his daughter and you make every day of my life more difficult because of the fear and pain you have instilled in me.

You want to be closer to me? That’s nice. I want to go to the park with my son. I want to get out of my bed at night and go downstairs without shaking and trembling in fear. I want to have sex with my husband freely and without a sick feeling in my stomach. But I can’t do any of those things because of what you took from me. You want to be closer to me? Give it back.

Go back in time and undo what you’ve done to me. Go back in time and restore my trust in you as a little girl. Go back in time and decide for yourself as a decent human being that it is unacceptable to fuck your daughter no matter what excuse you might make up.

Then we can be closer, Dad.”

Comment by oniongirl13

This is awesome, Oniongirl. Thank you!

Comment by butterflysblog

@ Butterfly, you are amazingly brave and strong putting these boundaries in place. Well done. I’m so proud of you.

@ Oniongirl – awesome indeed. 🙂

Comment by kerro

Way to go Butterfly. If he wanted father privileges with you, he shouldn’t have forfeited them by abusing you. Your gut instinct to cut him off is right.

The following a bit ranty too, sorry. Reading about him thinking he had a right to see you got my dander up.

Reality check:

This is the guy who got off on abusing you.
This is the guy who threatened to kill your mother.
This is the guy who went to court to try to force you to visit him.

This guy doesn’t deserve the time of day from you. He has forfeited all rights.

Paedophiles are incredibly manipulative, so if you think your mind is being messed with, it is. The only way I’ve found to prevent this is to not talk to paedophiles.

That alone, for me is the main reason I don’t have anything to do with my father. I haven’t spoken to him in decades.

Wierd thing, your conversation with your father is very similar to ones I’ve had with my mom – even some of the same wording about how she wants to be close. Icky.

Yes, he wants to reinforce his rationalizations that he didn’t really mess you up, and he still has a family. He probably has all kinds of rationalizations for what he did. But he’s still an abuser and a shithead and you get to do anything you want to keep yourself and your kid safe from him.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

SDW – You are right. You pegged him exactly right – he has an entitlement thing beyond belief.

Kerro – thank you. It’s kind of you to say.

Comment by butterflysblog

I am still reading. I took a break for awhile and came back. We are having a snow storm here, and it ia perfect reason to absorb some of the healthiest outrage that I wish I could SHOUT at my father, step-father, maternal grandmother, uncle, youth minister, church janitor, men in my neighborhood growing up, babysitter, older boy when I was in middle school, boss in college, three men when I worked as a cashier, and my father’s men at parties who FUCKED me up sexually as a child and teen. I LOVE what Oniongirl said up there. And butterfly, thank you so much for your directness. I am so thankful to have found your blog, where I can watch your suvivorness and take some of it for my journey. You rock.

Comment by journalofhealing




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