Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #106: Babysitter dream

Last night, I woke up from a dream about the babysitter. In the dream, she and my mother and I were in a fitting room. I was the same age I am now – 35 years old – and I had a swimsuit on. I saw her and I knew she was the babysitter. I felt pure fright to my very core. I said to my mom in a tiny little girl’s voice “Mama, I am afraid of her”. I was so scared I could hardly get the words out.

Then this woman started touching me. Mom didn’t help the situation at all. I screamed in pure fright, over and over and over again. If I had to explain that scream, I would say that it was like I was allowing myself to scream the way I imagine I wanted to scream when this babysitter was actually molesting me when I was a little girl. The scream and the dream would be the reason you shouldn’t fuck kids, of course.

Obviously this dream was scary for me to wake up from, and has been on my mind all day. In the dream, the woman looked 10 years older than me now, which would put her at about 45. In real life, I think she was about 10 years older than me in real life, which put her in her teen years when she molested my brother and I. I find it interesting that my dream happened as if I was meeting her now.

I wish I was meeting her now. I am not sure what I would say or how I would act, but I sure do wish I could meet her now. I wonder if I would regress and become a child inside again, the way so many survivors of child sexual abuse do when meeting their abusers again. Or, I wonder if I would stay in control of my adult faculties, and meet this woman and explain the tremendous impact that she has had on my life.

I spend a lot of my time hating this woman. It would be nice to get past that level of hatred.

3 Comments so far
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This is an important dream. I am impressed in you for having the courage to dream it and then actually express it the way you have. It’s not an easy task. It sounds like you are ready to confront her at long last. If I were her, I would be very afraid of you and your impact on my life. I can’t imagine being her, but I do think that meeting her would have a profound impact on you as well. I hope you do meet her, and that whatever happens between both of you, that you become enlightened.

Comment by sandma1half

I think that it was very brave of you to have this dream and to remember it. I’m sorry that this sorrow and abuse has followed you for so long.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

[…] problems and bad dreams are not new to this blog, and both happened to me this morning.  I like to sleep well, and I like […]

Pingback by Reason #180: Bad dreams and shower problems « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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