Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #116: Desperately Seeking Safety
August 5, 2009, 12:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Did you ever see that movie “Desperately Seeking Susan”? It has Madonna in it and Rosanna Arquette. The whole movie, Roseanna goes around desperately seeking this Susan character.

As a person who survivied incest and child sexual abuse, I continually seek safety in my life. I generally choose the safer of any options. I live my life safely. I hardly drink. I do not use non-prescription drugs and never have. I dated women, because I felt they were safer than men.

Did you ever hear that quote “Ships in the harbor are safe, but that’s not what ships are built for”? When I first read that quote, my immediate thought was “Yeah, but they’re safe. What could possibly be better than being safe?”

I wonder if, without the sexual abuse, I might have lived a different life. I wonder if I would have been pursuing my dream of singing onstage somewhere. I have always been a feminist. I wonder if I would have done something with that. I wonder if I would have had sex and enjoyed it before my husband, with other men?

I can’t even count the many ways in a day that I choose the safer option. Like locking myself in my room instead of being in the rest of the house, or even dare I say it, going outside for a walk. I can’t help but think about Warrior, who spends her life being courageous. I want to be like that, but safety always wins out. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


4 Comments so far
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Hey Butterfly,

The path to being a warrior is one choice at a time, a choice that is continually remade. One step, one stretch, starting with the easiest small less safe choice until the anxiety is extinguished and then one slightly more scary. It’s fighting for your life back from the shitheads. What you see in me is just years of practice, that’s all.

You can do it. You stood up to your father, you gave birth to a child, you chose to love and trust one man. You have faith in G-d after all you’ve been through. There is a lot of courage and a warrior spirit in that. If you’d like to talk offline about panic disorders or any of this, you know where I am.

I believe in you, ButterflyWarrior!
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I was going to say exactly what SWD said. One choice at a time, one step at a time. You can’t go from nothing to being up in lights on stage in one go. Start small and before you know it you’re doing things you never imagined you could ever do. I believe in you, too. 🙂

Comment by kerro

Hi Butterfly,

I think you are very brave. I think that you don’t give yourself credit for all the things you fear and still do every day. They are a lot. It is a really big deal. It takes a lot of time and effort to heal from fears caised by abuse. I see that you are working on that, look, you are posting, you have a blog, that is so f—ing brave, but I suppose you don’t even see that. You are brave.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

[…] needed her mom a lot when she was divorcing. I have always needed my mom a lot.  As you know, my quest for safety is constant, and elusive because it never truly comes.  When something happens to a kid that is contrary to […]

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