Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #126: Yom Kippur

Last night, my mom and I went to Yom Kippur services at our local temple. Yom Kippur is the day of atonement. It is a time when Jews atone for their sins against their fellow humans, and against G-d. For the ones against G-d, we apologize to G-d. For the ones against our fellow humans, we apologize to them.

I spent the entire service crying. I am just so scared all the time, and I need G-d’s help. May G-d forgive me that this is what I prayed for on Yom Kippur. I asked for help for myself, which in my own eyes is a sin. Yom Kippur really isn’t a time to ask for help, it’s more of a time to apologize for all the wrong shit you’ve done to everyone and G-d.

Since I was already apologizing, I took my husband aside and apologized for all the times I have been shitty with him (like critical or short with him, etc.). I apologized to G-d too, for feeling far away from Him lately.

The Rabbi’s sermon was about hatred, and how hatred is a sin. He talked about those idiots in Kansas who hate in G-d’s name, and go around protesting funerals because they think that G-d rightly ‘killed’ those people as punishment for all of America accepting gayness. The Rabbi said that not only do we need to accept the GLBTQ community, the very idea of hatred for hatred’s sake is wrong. (It’s a reform temple.)

I thought about it though. Hatred for hatred’s sake. May G-d forgive me, as I have been feeling some hatred lately. People who fuck kids are #1 on my shit list obviously, and I, like many people, hate them. The thing is, hating them doesn’t help anyone. Hating them doesn’t make any of us any safer, it doesn’t help those who have already been abused, and it doesn’t help those who are currently being abused. Hatred and fear are two sides of the same coin, in my opinion.

I hate that babysitter, as much as I fear her. I feel she did this to me. She is the reason I am so afraid all the time, the reason I can’t go to sleep until my husband has checked every dark place in our room, has assured me that the door to our room is shut tightly and the lock checked, the garage door closed and locked, all the fucking doors closed and locked, etc. She is the reason I embarked on this journey, the reason every family I look at is now circumspect when I see a father figure/daughter figure. I hate her. She did this to me. She broke me. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason # 125: Wearing a butterfly mask
September 27, 2009, 1:28 am
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I was talking to a friend last night, and our discussion wandered over into a discussion about which post of mine so far is my favorite. I told her that my favorite one was the one I wrote after watching a particular episode of My Name is Earl. That particular post – and I just looked it up – it was Reason # 22, so it happened fairly early into my keeping this blog – really hit home for me, because it was such a light bulb moment.

In that particular episode, Earl hurt some guy by hurting his car. By hurting his car, it attracted many other hurts in this guy’s life. Pretty soon, this guy went from being happy to being all fucked up. By the time Earl meets up with him again, this time to right his wrongs, he spends the whole episode thinking the guy is building a bomb. And the way the guy acts, we all think so too. He’s a loner, he lives in a hotel room, and he keeps buying all these weird things that could be used to make a bomb big enough to hurt a lot of people.

By the end of the episode, we find out that the guy is actually building a rocket ship that will take him far away so he doesn’t have to be with people again. This is when Earl realized that by hurting this man like that, he not only closed this man’s eyes to all the good in the world, he also opened this man’s eyes to all the bad in the world. I feel this is an excellent representation of what happened to me – the aftermath of that babysitter betraying all that was good in my world by molesting my brother and I. I was apparently a very happy child until then. And then after that, I was someone who always looked over her shoulder, covered my head with the covers, wore so many blankets in summer, etc. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

I am so afraid these days. It’s hard to leave my house, and I am afraid even in my own home. I told my friend that I feel like I am a caterpillar who is wearing a butterfly mask.

My friend had the loveliest thing to say about it though. She said: Well, for me a butterfly is what it is not because of its face, but its ability to fly. If this mask is what enables you to fly,┬ámaybe it’s not that bad to wear it.

Reason #124: Mackenzie Phillips

I am sure that by now my survivor readers have heard about the Mackenzie Phillips case – her father was a member of the musical group, the Mamas and Papas, and also a shithead disgusting pervert incester.

She calls it “consensual incest”, and in my mind, there is no such thing. Here’s the thing: there is always a power differential between parents and their children, no matter how ‘grown’ the children are. We always revert back to our original roles with our parents. They always have parental power over us. Even if she walked naked to her dad and said “Fuck me now”, (which by the way, she did not), any normal father would have said “Mackenzie, no. I will never have sex with you. I am your father. I will protect you, and I am going to help you find counseling.”

Like many incest survivors, she feels somewhat responsible for this incest that happened to her. (I would call it rape, by the way. But I am using her word, incest.) She is not responsible. What kind of disgusting pervert fucks his own daughter? The kind that would also somehow help her to understand that this was all somehow her own doing, as if he was some sort of innocent bystander in a seduction game. I mean, seriously, come on. They’ve been pulling this sort of shit since Freud. This is how the abusers work – first they call you a liar, and then when they realize no one’s buying that story, they say “She wanted it.” I mean, seriously, how do people keep falling for this shit over and over again.

This perv is dead, and as usual, there is a debate as to whether she is telling the truth, whether she wanted it, etc. People need to think that all rape is violent. I mean, it’s just so stupid. When people fuck kids, it generally doesn’t start out violent. And sometimes it’s never violent. Fathers who fuck their daughters already have all the power, and you see what happens when daughters tell the truth – a whole world is ready to condemn her, ready to call her a liar or a seductress. She herself is the first one calling herself these names. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We’re not liars, and we didn’t seduce you. You know what you did, and we know what you did, and soon the whole world will know what you did, just like Mackenzie Phillips.

I stand behind her, and I am proud of her for telling the world. When one of us goes public, we save many.

Reason #123: We forget large parts of our childhoods

I spent some time with my family this weekend because it was Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year). Happy 5770 to all my Jewish followers. Anyway, my family was showing some old home videos of me and my brother and cousins when we were little.

The videos were painful to watch. I was embarrassed for my husband to see how I used to be. That butterfly. I have worked so hard to become this Butterfly, and I was just so embarrassed for him to see me like that.

The astonishing thing was that on these videos there were holidays, birthdays, all kinds of memorable shit. I have no memory of any of these events. Frankly, I was shocked to see myself and how I looked, because I have no memory of that either. Hard as I tried to recall any of the events on those home movies, I can’t recall one fucking thing.

I realized a while after the videos were finally turned off that in one of the videos I would have been about the age I was when my brother started molesting me. When I was staring at the moving pictures of myself on screen though, it was like I was watching someone else. While I understood intrinsically that these pictures were obviously of me, I just couldn’t connect with that person.

It’s like my child self is a total stranger to me. While this may sound like nothing, it’s actually kind of big. Think about it. All of who we are now has been a formation of who we were then, and our memories of our experiences through our lives, and our memories of ourselves as we were then. I don’t have that. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #122: All or Nothing Thinking
September 14, 2009, 1:24 am
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The thing about survivors is that we get very black and white about things. Everything is all or nothing, with no shades of gray. People are either good or bad.

Since my only continuous memories of abuse involved males (my brother and father), I assumed that all men were bad. I mean, I was willing to take each one on a personal basis, but for the most part, I considered them all to be bad until they proved they weren’t bad. Guilty until proven innocent, in other words. It wasn’t until I started earnestly dating men that I realized that some men have the same sorts of issues that I have, in terms of nervousness around the opposite sex, scared of being rejected, etc. That realization helped me understand that not all men are bad.

Then when I met my husband, he helped me understand that not only are all men not bad, some are actually good. This realization was/is at odds with my tendency towards all or nothing thinking. For instance, I have trouble believing that people who fuck kids are ever truly rehabilitatable. Pedophiles will never stop wanting to fuck kids no matter what shit you put them through. That’s why they are safer behind bars. As for child molesters who are not pedophiles, I don’t know, I tend to be pretty black and white about them too.

It’s pretty common for us survivors to think that since one person hurt us (or in my case, three people), all people will hurt us. I view everyone with a suspicious lens until they’ve shown me they are not willing to hurt me. And even then, I trust them only as much as I can allow. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We think everyone is out to hurt us.

Reason #121: It’s a public health issue
September 4, 2009, 1:14 am
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I can’t help but be entranced by the Jaycie Lee Dugard case on tv. Look at what happened there. This asshole kidnapped and raped some woman in the 1970’s, was sent to Leavenworth, was freed after 10 years, and then he kidnapped and raped Jaycie Lee.

If people would start conceptualizing child sexual abuse as a public health issue, maybe this wouldn’t happen. Think about it. If this shithead was in jail where he belonged, or dead, frankly, then he wouldn’t have been free to kidnap a child and rape her into having two children.

From a public health standpoint, child sexual abuse is bad for society. All the work that is lost, the productivity, the sick time – it is shown in studies that survivors of abuse tend to get sick more and miss work more than our un-fucked counterparts. Most of the time I don’t want to leave my fucking house because I am so afraid of what’s out there. It takes an enormous amount of self-talk to get out the door every day.

I am one of the lucky ones, for now. I am not in a mental institution yet, and I haven’t killed myself. Other survivors are not as lucky. It’s a public health issue.

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