Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason#131: My 36th Birthday
October 27, 2009, 12:43 pm
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I recently celebrated my 36th birthday. Every birthday, I picture the number of years I was alive while being abused (almost 16), and the number of years I have been alive after that (20 years). I have been alive longer than I was alive during the abuse.

I am starting to see silver hairs. It’s absolutely wonderful. Every year that I get farther away from childhood is absolutely wonderful. That feeling is exactly why you shouldn’t fuck kids. Childhood shouldn’t be so painful that you are happy with every year that you get away from it.

Reason #130: Exercise

It has been established elsewhere in this blog that I have a fat ass. I have determined that I am unsucessful so far at straight dieting, so I have decided that I need to exercise. I talked to the huz about it, and he said “That’s a great idea, we can bring the stationary bike up to the spare room and then you can have that room to exercise in.”

I said “That’s a great idea, but we would need to put a lock on that door first.” The huz asked why. And yet again I am brought face to face with another reason you shouldn’t fuck kids.

I can’t get lost in an activity like exercise without knowing that I am safely locked up in the room in such a way that an intruder would have to work hard to get in. I am positive that this has everything to do with the fact that I was an innocent child who lived in a safe world until that babysitter showed me that people will take every opportunity to hurt me, especially when I am not expecting it. Ever since then, I have always looked over my shoulder, expecting her or someone like her to hurt me in the worst of ways. And so now I need a lock on the fucking door in order to exercise.

Reason #129: Incest Jokes
October 17, 2009, 1:18 pm
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When I was in therapy (at 19 years old, for wanting to kill myself), I told my therapist that I didn’t like it when people made incest jokes. She had no idea what I was talking about. She said “Who makes incest jokes?” I am now realizing that maybe if you are not a child sexual abuse survivor or incest survivor, maybe you wouldn’t be sensitive to this shit the way I am, so maybe she didn’t realize how we as a culture like to downplay and make fun of incest.

When I was dating blowjob guy, he told me a story about how he knew some guy whose daughter was now a teenager and wore bikinis. The guy made some joke to blowjob guy about how he had to control himself around his daughter because he found her attractive. Blowjob guy laughed while he was telling me this. As someone whose father did not ‘control himself’ around me, I didn’t think it was funny.

Last night, the huz and I went to a dinner theater event. We’d been planning it for a few weeks, we never go out and do fun things (because we have a baby), and we were really looking forward to it. The play was about hillbillies (seriously, the title had hillbillies in the name). Within the first few seconds, they started incest jokes about dad having sex with daughters, and all other family members fucking each other too.

We planned a night out, for fun. And here I am, yet again, an incest survivor, supposed to laugh and act like none of this shit is personally hurtful to me. I am unable to find the humor in child sexual abuse and incest. I was pretty pissed that we paid $70 to basically hear jokes made about the most hurtful part of my life. And yet again, a perfectly innocent night out to try and relax and enjoy life becomes a reason you shouldn’t fuck kids.

If a veteran came home from war, and we joked about the fact that he had to kill people or see his friends’ heads blown off, no one would think that is okay. Yet all of us fucked kids are subjected to these disgusting jokes that make light of not only our suffering, but also the events that caused our suffering. It’s not right, and I am ashamed that I gave my money to this dinner theater event.

Reason #128: Survivor: Samoa

Is anyone watching this season of Survivor? There’s this total shithead on there, Russell, who is a lying sack of shit. From the moment I saw his eyes, I knew what he was, in terms of the kind of person who is willing to lie, cheat, steal, etc. to get what he wants.

So, I think in episode #2, there’s this woman cop who is totally on to him and doesn’t trust him for shit. Sure enough, he gets wind of the fact that she thinks he’s a horse’s ass, and so he rallies everyone around and gets her kicked off the island. Other women stood by this man, and voted against good, and on the side of evil.

I took it as a personal insult. I have seen this happen so many times, and yet every time it surprises me. How many times throughout history has someone tried to stand up for what is right, only to be shot down by the evildoer and the evildoer’s followers? This is what happens in incest and child sexual abuse cases too.

We try to tell whomever will listen. We are children. Our voices may be small, but we are still speaking. You hear us. You know you hear us. We know you hear us. And then you tell us we are lying, we are imagining it, we’re too young to know what we’re talking about. Whatever shit it is that you tell yourself and us so you can sleep at night, while we lay awake, haunted.

And then the abuser chimes in and lies to you, to me, to everyone who’s listening. And everyone believes him because the world would rather believe lies than truth. Except us. We know what is real. We know who you are. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. There’s more of us than there are of you.

I don’t know the end of this season yet, obviously, but I am sure that he will get what’s coming to him. They always do.

Reason #127: Open Window

On the RAINN website, (that’s short for Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network), there is a link to this movie “Open Window”. I watched the trailer to the movie, and it was absolutely haunting.

In the movie, there is a husband and wife. The husband opens a window at some point in the movie. At a later point in the movie, the wife is doing something in that room with the open window. Someone comes in through that window and rapes her. Later in the trailer is a scene with her therapist. The therapist asks her something about the rape, and the wife says “Well I left the window open”. I thought that scene pretty much said it all, in terms of the myriad of ways we find to blame ourselves for the disgusting things that people do to us.

Every night, my husband has to check all vulnerable spots in the house. Windows, doors, closets, dark spaces, corners, etc. Locks on doors need to be checked twice, the way the door fits into the door jam needs to be checked several times. I have done this for years, and now that I am married, I am grateful that the huz does some of the checking for me.

I was talking to my husband about this trailer that I watched, and about that scene in particular. I told him that this scene hit upon my exact fear, that if I stop checking for all these ways that intruders could hurt me, then that will be the exact time when an intruder hurts me. I feel like I need to be extra vigilant about checking all the time so that I can stop possible hurts, the kind of hurts I have already suffered as a child.

It’s not my fault that the babysitter found an opportunity to molest us when my mother hired her to care for us while she ran an errand. It’s not that woman’s fault that the window was left open and some degenerate prick chose that opportunity to harm her. Knowing that it’s not my fault and that it’s not her fault does not stop the hypervigilance and the constant fear of the dark. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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