Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #133: Forgiveness Bullshit
November 11, 2009, 2:58 pm
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Always when a survivor begins speaking about her trauma of incest or childhood sexual abuse, someone inevitably brings up the concept of forgiveness as a means towards wholeness. What a bunch of bullshit this crap is. I mean, if survivors feel the need to forgive their abusers, then I am totally on board with it. What I am not on board with is other people saying we need to forgive.

Whenever I hear someone tell me some shit like that, all I hear is “I am uncomfortable with all of this, and if you forgive your perpetrator, then you will be done talking about it and I don’t have to hear it anymore.” They no more have my interests at heart than the perps did.

Just to be clear, I am not at all against forgiveness. For people who need/want to forgive, the act of forgiveness can bring some much needed healing. For people who don’t need/want to forgive, nobody should be pushing them into that shit.

In order for true forgiveness in any situation to even be contemplated though, three things have to happen:

1) The wrongdoer must apologize to the person he has wronged.
2) The wrongdoer must be truly sorry.
3) The wrongdoer must never do it again.

In most cases of childhood sexual abuse, if we were still kids now, they’d still be fucking us now. It’s only because we outgrew our little bodies that we were allowed to be freed from the abuse. So why exactly should we be forgiving people who have not apologized, are not sorry, and would still be raping us if we hadn’t had the fortunate circumstance of growing bigger as a natural result of age.

In those circumstances, I say fuck forgiveness. See how hardened my heart is? That ain’t right. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

12 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

:Whenever I hear someone tell me some shit like that, all I hear is “I am uncomfortable with all of this, and if you forgive your perpetrator, then you will be done talking about it and I don’t have to hear it anymore.” They no more have my interests at heart than the perps did.”

Very wise words. I agree. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

I agree, I think this is bullshit as well. My therapist has never put this on me… just mentioned this is something I need to figure out for myself. I did. It’s shit.

I second the wisdom of your words.

Comment by Kerro

Kate gave the exact response I was going to give. Very well said. The problem with forgiveness is that it has multiple definitions, and people confuse it with acceptance (of the facts, that the abuse happened and was bad, the last stage of grieving) which yes I do think is important for healing. Forgiveness in the ‘hearts and flowers I feel only love toward you now, be well’ sense is completely inappropriate for unrepentant wrongdoing on this scale.

The other thing people say that I hate is “forgiveness is for you, not the other person”, like I’m this stupid person to withhold from myself the magic gift of shutting up and convincing myself that it’s all good now.

May we dance on their graves.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Here is something I’ve learned to do when someone suggest I learn to “forgive”.

I calmly look at them and ask,”What does forgiveness mean to you?” Believe it or not, they cannot answer it. I’ve found only one person who could answer it that made me think twice.

They stutter around about “moving on”, and “letting go”, but they cannot answer what forgiveness means to them personally – which tells me they probably have never really forgiven someone. One thing I know for sure is that forgiveness does NOT mean “it’s okay”. It will never mean that because it will never be okay.

And I don’t think you are hard hearted – you are logical.

Comment by Ivory

How refreshing to see such honesty! When someone tells me to forgive, I pretty much tell them to fuck off. I’m way past caring what they think forgiveness means, just so long as they know what fuck off means.

Comment by 1janedonut

You are preaching to the choir Butterfly, I agree with you and everyone else. Fuck them all and let G*d sort it out…….

Comment by PhoenixAscending

Here, Here! I have always had a problem with forgiveness, but couldn’t put into words how it just wasn’t working. I tried to “forgive,” but it wasn’t happening.

You have cleared this up for me, my dear.

Now I need to figure out how to “let shit go.” Same thing?

Comment by some people just hide in plain sight

I totally agree with you here. I’ve realized that sometimes, people don’t give advice because it is actually helpful. They do it because they are afraid that such bad things can happen, and so they subconsciously try to “fix it”. It’s completely selfish and insulting.

Comment by TreatInfamy

[…] me, I think resilience bullshit is up there with forgiveness bullshit.  It is shit we like to tell ourselves to make ourselves feel […]

Pingback by Reason #184: Resilience Bullshit « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] being good, and how that’s an important stage or some shit.  As my readers know, I think forgiveness is mostly bullshit. I don’t feel that forgiveness should ever be brought up by anyone else.  If the survivor […]

Pingback by Reason #245: Don’t Share Your Pain with Fools « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Great post. I’ve been told the same bullshit. I will never forgive my abusers as i have to live with the PTSD, memories and other terrible things. Nightmares a lot. For me to forgive, my abusers will have to suffer the same things i do. Fuck forgiveness

Comment by Patrick Carr

Thank you. This is amazing.
I also did a post about this today.
It’s appauling that people think they have the right or even know about this kind of advice.
Also, I don’t think you are hard, you are real. Those people are faux, yet pretending they’re real. It’s sad that we can’t be as faux, but we’ve seen too much and they haven’t seen enough. Ignorance for them is bliss. For us, we have a whole lot of depth and insight.

Comment by akismetuser169518009

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