Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #140: Precious

Have you guys seen the movie Precious? (SPOILER ALERT)

It’s about a child whose stepfather rapes her repeatedly. And her mother lets this happen.

My mom took my brother (one of my three molesters) to this movie. It was actually my brother’s choice, to be honest. Just to be clear – my brother apologized to me years ago about the sexual abuse, and I have long since forgiven him. He was just a child when he molested me, and I now understand that he was just doing what the babysitter had done to us. However, be clear that forgiving does not mean forgetting. I am not mad at him anymore, but I am still afraid of the kind of person that he was/is.

Anyway though, Mom said that after the movie, both of them were very upset. My brother was upset because of what he did to me, and Mom was upset about hiring that babysitter. I said “Mom, you are not guilty here. You did nothing wrong. You hired a babysitter, and everything in your previous experience with all other babysitters told you that hiring babysitters was a safe action. This particular one was not safe, and you didn’t know that. You are judging yourself for knowledge that you have now, but you didn’t have that knowledge then. If you want to blame someone, blame HER. She wronged us, not you.”

I, of course, am still in this horrible place where I have exactly no memory of this babysitter. All I have are these fears that have plagued me since she came into our lives, and my mother’s and brother’s memory of the events. The funny thing is, apparently about a year after she molested us, after we had moved out of the area, I told my mom “I saw licking the babysitter.” So, apparently at some point I did have conscious memory of it, but no matter how hard I try now to remember it, I cannot. I wish I could, so I didn’t have to be afraid all the time.

My mom and brother saw a movie. An innocent action that brought up a lot of shit. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Hey Butterfly,
I’m glad for the spoiler on the movie. I wasn’t planning to see it but I know now that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

I don’t remember big chunks of the abuse, and very little of the aftermath of the stuff I have the scars to prove happened. It’s kind of scary to know that it might be lurking out there, waiting till I feel safe one day or get triggered to come to awareness. Do you ever feel like that?

Since you know they’re connected to the abuse, I wonder if the fears you have are memories of what happened, just not visual ones, emotional ones or kinaesthetic ones. It’s turned out that way sometimes for me, and then once I put that together the rest of the information comes a bit more easily and the fears/sensations toned down a lot.

I’m glad for you that you have objective validation and at least one abuser who is sorry.

I hope you enjoyed Hanukkah. Happy almost new year to you.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

My Butterfly,

I haven’t seen the movie yet. But I read the book, Push. It is about being sexually abused by both her mother and father and her mother knowing about the father’s abuses, she was in the room when he started abusing her, in the book, and she admits it to Precious when she confronts her mother. Did they keep the mother daughter sexual abuse stuff in the movie? The book is excellent.I was totally blown away by it. I am waiting to see the movie when I can see it and stop it and put it aside and have the lights on.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Hmmmm. And there were no clues in your brother’s or your behavior to alert your mother to what was going on? Perhaps it’s merely my cynicism, but I find it hard to believe that she had absolutely no clue. I’d guess there were clues that she misinterpreted or ignored.

I say this as a loving son whose mother stood by for a lot of stuff, and who holds her accountable for her willful ignorance. We’re very close, and my mother is in therapy now as well, at my request. So I’m not saying this to be judgmental. I just find it hard to credit that your mom couldn’t possibly have known. Which doesn’t mean she isn’t a wonderful and loving mother — it just means that responsibility is a complicated and wide-reaching phenomenon.

Comment by davidrochester

Hi David,

As far as I know, this babysitter was hired one time and one time only. But really, who knows?

When my brother started molesting me, I eventually told my mother, and she is the one that stopped it.

There’s this researcher, Steven Gold, who believes that incest and child sexual abuse usually happens in families where they are just so plain dysfunctional that the abuse is yet another thing that the parents let happen to their children. So, you may be right.

Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

i made a conscious decision not to see the movie Precious, i knew seeing it could send me into a state of mind i didn’t need to be in, i am debating on reading the book, because i really want to read it, im a glutton for pain i guess, but on the other hand i don’t have a therapist right now so maybe not. i don’t know. i dunno. i am reading your blog, but i don’t say much.
TLS

Comment by thelittlestsurvivor




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