Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #143: I lay awake at night

I was talking to one of my best friends yesterday, and she told me a truly terrible story about an acquaintance of ours getting gang-raped while out walking her dog. Consequently, last night I could not get safe. I just laid there awake and scared, waiting for the intruder in our home to show himself. Of course, there was no intruder in our home. Thank G-d.

As I lay there, however, I truly believed he was there. And I kept waiting. And in between my hypervigilant waits, I asked the huz about 300 times how he checked the closet. I made him explain to me exactly how he did it. Did he see to the wall, the other wall, the back wall? Someone could be hiding in those dark spaces. He explained exactly how he did it, and I was just starting to calm down when he said “No one could possibly hide in there”. After he said that, I stopped listening to him altogether. If he doesn’t believe that anyone can fit in there, then he is not really looking for anyone in there. And thus, someone can be hiding in there.

I am getting real tired of hearing people say things about how “no one can possibly”.  Someone already did these things, so we know for sure that “they can possibly”.  Three people did it to me, as a matter of fact.  They didn’t hide in closets, but they certainly did catch me unawares.  And now I lay awake at night, super-aware of every noise and all the deafening silence as well.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

3 Comments so far
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Hey Butterfly,
I’m sorry about your acquaintance. May she get all the support she needs and may the rapists die slowly of painful diseases, or at least get caught and given a long jail term without parole.

Does your anxiety tie into suppressed anger? I know mine does. When I get all paranoid, I can often shaking it off by getting good and angry about whatever triggered me. I used to not even be able to get up to pee at night I was too scared, but directing it into anger seemed to help a lot, even if I wasn’t consciously aware I was angry and had to work it up. I had a therapist tell me that I was redirecting my rage at the abuser, by obsessing about him attacking me, when what I really felt underneath was rage and a desire to attack him. Sounds like psychology mumbo jumbo but she was right in my case.

Blessings to you, Butterfly,

Comment by sworddancewarrior


I have never really conceptualized it like this, and I think you might be onto something. I need to think about this some more. Thank you for bringing it up – I appreciate it.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

I’m sorry about that, too.

As a peer advocate, I have been in rooms where people have talked about gang rape before as if it was normal. I am also working that stuff out for myself as I don’t want to feel uncomfortable talking about sex with my peers. It’s hard not to feel outraged at these offenses, but it’s important for me to figure out how to see beyond this. Most of these people are young and have a very different upbringing.

I hope to be able to write more one day about how well this sorts out with them. For now, all I can say is, I hope for the best with you and your friends.

Comment by sandma1half

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