Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #150: What do I want?

My beautiful friend Sword Dance Warrior wrote a powerful post about getting to the core of what she really wants, in terms of her surviving the many times she was raped by her father.  Her post got me thinking.  What is it that I really really want?  For me, the answer came quick, too quick. 

I want to feel safe. 

I don’t remember a time when every dark corner didn’t hold the possibility of harm, and all beds didn’t have possible intruders laying in wait under them.  Every closet is checked every night.  My every movement, from not wearing gloves even though my hands are so cold that they hurt, to wearing many blankets even though I am so hot I am sweating, is well calculated to maximize my chances of being safe for even the briefest of moments.  Every look from every person is vetted against everything in my memory banks, to assess for the possibility of hurting me.  Or even just believing me.  Even my beautiful husband has to prove that he is not going to hurt me, sometimes for days in a row.

She did this to me.  That babysitter.  I was five.  Apparently for those first five years of my life, I had no need of blankets over my head at night and holding my breath to stay so still.  Apparently I felt inherently safe for those first five years, and I trusted that all the people in my life would not only keep me safe, but they themselves would not hurt me.  Then she came into my life one night, and made sure I never felt safe again.

Zora Neale Hurston said that “ships in the harbor are safe, but that’s not what ships are built for”.  For G-d’s sake though, they are safe.  What in the world is better than that??  I bet there are things that are better than that, but the fact that I have no idea what they are is the most basic reason why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

13 Comments so far
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Yes you do deserve to feel safe. Powerful reason.

Comment by vickiinaz

This is one of the best damn blogs I have ever read. I have been following it for only a few weeks or so, but I am slowly making my way though all of the most raw and affirming reasons NOT TO FUCK CHILDREN! Thank you, for your directness and sharing your heart. Recently you put into words what I was trying to explain to my husband. It was much easier to send him that specific blog entry. …Thanks again. Back to Reason 19…where I was before I stopped to make this comment. ang

Comment by journalofhealing

“What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? Perhaps for some of you here today, I am the face of one of your fears. Because I am a woman, because I am Black, because I am lesbian, because I am myself — a Black woman warrior poet doing my work — come to ask you, are you doing yours?

And of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger. But my daughter, when I told her of our topic and my difficulty with it, said, ‘Tell them about how you’re never really a whole person if you remain silent, because there’s always that one little piece inside you that wants to be spoken out, and if you keep ignoring it, it gets madder and madder and hotter and hotter, and if you don’t speak it out one day it will just up and punch you in the mouth from the inside.'”
-Audre Lorde

I think it requires quite a lot of courage to speak as openly and sincerely as you do here. You’ve put yourself out in a very open and vulnerable space, but the end result is not that you are hurt, but you are healed and heal others. Maybe you need to encounter danger and take risks in order to feel safe.

Comment by TreatInfamy

Feeling safe is goal worthy of you. The second time I felt safe was in a women’s 12 step group, when I was about 18. There was something about the circle of women, the ceremony of reading the materials at the beginning, and most particularly that honesty, that made me feel safe. (The first time was when my grandma came to visit and I got to sleep in a room with a door that locked from the inside in the basement.)

@TreatInfamy: I love that quote – Audre Lorde is brilliant. I’ve added it to my blog. Thanks for the gift.

I think it was not only the babysitter who took away your safety. If you’d had family that had noticed your distress right away, put an end to it, protected you and helped you heal, right then and there, I believe things would have been different.

May G-d help you get what you need.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

@TreatInfamy: This is so beautiful – thank you for sharing.

@SDW: You always bring such wisdom to me – thank you.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly,

In October after moving from Minnesota to Ohio I did a project called 18 Wishes. Safety was the first wish I wrote down. I was not safe there and that was prominent in my mind. I have moved and am safer, just not safe enough. So I can relate to all of what you post on this topic, from first abuse onward in my life. I too join SDW in saying that safety is a worthy goal. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

As Shakespeare would say ‘there’s the rub’ – there’s a difference between being safe and actually feeling safe when you are safe. Sounds like the second part is the biggest challenge now, since as an adult (as far as I know) you’ve turned out to be safe from harm. I wonder if there are places or times where you do feel safe (around other people? in Synagogue? in public places? in women’s spaces? and if you could try basking in those to get a hang of letting it in. I know that runs contrary to all the anxiety disorder stuff about exposure, and I think that stuff is good too (It’s how I programmed myself to be able to get up and go to the bathroom at night) but even getting some feelings of felt safety might help build the idea that sometimes you really are safe.

Just a thought.
Blessings to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior


I hesitate even to post this, because I do not want you to feel that I am judging you or telling you another way to live. What I am doing is offering you a powerful -perspective-, nothing more. I want you to be powerful, strong, and find -true- security. This video is about that. Please, if you choose to watch it as a favor to me watch it all the way to the end. It really does come full circle and become something beautiful.

My strong, vibrant, angry sister of a shared sort of past, I respect and adore you and I want you to be happy, someday.


Comment by oniongirl13

Oniongirl’s comment got me thinking – I don’t actually like Eve Ensler all that much, but I got to thinking. It’s not about the ideas, or even the feelings, it’s about convincing the body of the truth, that we actually are relatively safe now, and the level of fear we felt then isn’t appropriate for the present day situation.

The bastards abused us, and we have twitchy nervous systems as a result, but we can take steps now that we are safe to calm them down. Living as if I am going to be attacked at any minute (and maybe this is what Oniongirl was getting at) only tells my inner child and nervous system that I really am not safe now and doesn’t help the nervous system calm down and stop making so much adrenaline.

I think your body is lying to you, Butterfly. You are safe already. Right now.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Thank you for sharing – will watch it. 🙂

Comment by butterflysblog

SwordDanceWarrior – the thought of you, the idea that there is someone out there like you – a warrior, in the truest sense of the word – makes me feel safe. It gives me hope for what I, too, can become.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hey, Butterfly. You wanted it, you got it. Feeling safe. Isn’t that awesome?

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Holy shit!! You are right, SwordDanceWarrior!! Thank you for showing me this – I totally forgot about it.

Comment by butterflysblog

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