Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #152: My friend cuts herself
February 13, 2010, 2:05 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

When I was around 20 or so, I went to a restaurant with some friends, and our waitress had so many patterns of scars on her arms that I recognized her as a fellow cutter. I had been cutting myself for a year by then.  I wanted to reach out and touch her arm and tell her she wasn’t alone, but I didn’t. 

I would put money on the fact that she was a survivor, like me.  At the very least, some bad shit had to have happened to her to make her have such a shit relationship with herself and her body.

This week, a colleague and I were deep in discussion and I noticed similar white scars on her arms as well.  I touched her arm and looked in her eyes.  She wasn’t quite sure what to say.  She started to stammer “I thought you knew about that.  I thought I already told you about that…”  I could see she was uncomfortable, and  I said “I used to cut too.”  We locked eyes then and just shared that intimate knowledge, the kind of intimate knowledge that you only get when you are in such deep pain that you feel like your only outlet is to hurt yourself.

It saddens me that after all these people have hurt me and my body, that I chose to hurt myself and my body.  It saddens me that this was the only outlet I had, the only way that pain felt real, the only thing that even felt somewhat good to me at the time.  It saddens me even more to know that my friend felt the same way and bears the scars to prove it.  We were both recreating situations where our bodies were used for terrible reasons.

I no longer cut, and haven’t cut myself in about 10 years.  She says she has stopped too, but who knows.  The truth is, we are scared of talking about this sort of shit to outsiders because we don’t want you locking us up as if we are nuts.  We aren’t nuts.  We’re in pain, and since our kind of pain isn’t visible, cuts on our arms are.

She said it was about control, and I agreed.  I wish we had control over our bodies when we were children, when others assumed control for us.  Maybe then we wouldn’t have had to assume control in such terrible and destructive ways as adults.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


9 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

This is one of your most profound posts and reasons. And that is a hard thing to do, because all of your reasons are incredibly powerful. And healing.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

I’ve never been a cutter, but I react to pain differently than a “normal” person. I enjoy it, it heightens my senses. During my pregnancy and childbirth, I relished the pain. One time while I was doing the dishes, I sliced my hand open really bad. It didn’t hurt at all, the pain in fact was enjoyable (for lack of a better word). The same when I got my tattoos.

I think when you are in such emotional pain, which isn’t tangible, physical pain is something you can hold onto. You can feel it, and it’s a welcome relief from the demons taking over your mind.

Thank you for sharing. *hugs*

Comment by insaneheart09

I’m a CSA survivor. And a cutter. I had 4 months ‘cut-free’ but relapsed about a month ago. I bet you would be able to tell if you met me too. I bet you would recognize the white scars on my arms…It saddens me too, that sometimes the only way we feel like we have control of our own bodies is by hurting ourselves. But it feels that way…it feels that way a lot.
Thank you for sharing this post… ~ Grace

Comment by graciesblueblanket

I have so much empathy for you. I am raising 2 kiddos who were similarly abused and it is very difficult for them…
You don’t deserve the pain.Lindsey Petersen
http://5kidswdisabilities.wordpress.com

Comment by 5kidswdisabilities

I used to cut, too, but it’s been a while. I nearly had a pretty bad relapse last year, but I ended up slashing words on my arm with a marker instead. Funny, it worked and I didn’t cut. (Although now that I think of it I did end up cutting. Long story, not for now)

I, too, have always enjoyed the pain of piercings, tattoos, etc. It’s like I’d go back and forth between that and cutting, almost as if to say “you couldn’t see it before, but by g-d you will now! Look at me, look at what I can take. Can you handle that pain?”

I hate, hate, hate that there isn’t more understanding about cutting, and that it’s been made out to be some emo thing, a joke! On the other hand, I do see and read more about it and think people are coming around a bit.

I knew why I cut, but I never knew why I cut as opposed to something else. I read people do it for the endorphins, and while that may be part of it, I think it’s really like another poster said — a physical manifestation of emotional wounds. Some go so deep, and some can never be deep enough.

((hugs))

Comment by All Time Love

When I couldn’t cry anymore I cut for relief, I haven’t cut in over 23 years but I remember and I understand..
Lovely post Butterfly

Comment by PhoenixAscending

[…] | Tags: cutting, night job, parking, shaking, survivor of child sexual abuse You remember I posted in this blog about my colleague, the one who used to cut herself?  Well, part of her job requires her to travel to certain buildings around the […]

Pingback by Reason #172: The trauma dictates our job « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] remember that friend I talked about in Reason #152, the one who used to cut herself? The same friend who doesn’t like to go to certain buildings alone. This last weekend, we had […]

Pingback by Reason #294: The Man in the Hotel Room « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] wearing a long-sleeved black sweater in the middle of a hot summer day. And then it hit me – she’s probably cutting again.  That’s why she felt she had to explain her sweater, because she was self-conscious about […]

Pingback by Reason #298: Our Burdens Get Too Heavy To Carry « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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