Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #158: Secret secrets are no fun

Do you watch “The Office”?  There was this episode where the main character Michael asked a stripper whether he should tell his girlfriend that the stripper gave him a lap dance.  Here’s what the stripper said:

“Secret secrets are no fun.  Secret secrets hurt someone.”

I hate secrets.  All of incest and child sexual abuse  is an enormous secret that we are walking around with, and if it were out in the open, the majority of it would disappear.  No one would fuck their daughter if the whole community knew about it, because it’s wrong.  No one’s kid would get fucked in the rectory of a church by a priest if it were not a secret. Because priests know it’s wrong, and daddies know it’s wrong, and the whole fucking community knows it’s wrong.  But they all get away with this shit because they have power over children.  And one of those powers is the ability to make the child keep it a secret.  And then we carry this secret forever.  And, if you’re like me, you grow up fucking hating secrets, because you know good and damn well that secrets are all about truly shitty things that you can’t tell anyone about. 

The huz and I were in our marital counseling session yesterday, and we were discussing the fact that I like to tell my family and friends everything that happens in our marriage.  This is because I hate secrets.  If everyone were openly discussing their sex lives, I bet we’d find more couples like us who aren’t fucking each other.  Unfortunately though, sex stuff brings up a lot of feelings for people, as does sex abuse stuff, which is why people keep it a secret.

The marriage counselor said something yesterday though.  She said, “Keeping things within a marriage is not like keeping a secret.  If you were keeping a secret from each other, that’d be a secret.  But sometimes we keep things inside a marriage because we know that the other person is uncomfortable letting it outside the marriage.”

That gave me pause for thought.  I equate secrets with child sex abuse.  But I keep forgetting one really important thing: I was a child then.  A secret was forced on me. I am an adult now, and as an adult, I have a choice whether to keep something inside my marriage out of respect for my husband.  I didn’t have a choice when I was a child.  I forget that a lot.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


5 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I was thinking about this, too recently. There are three secrets I’ve kept about myself: my sexuality, my urinary problems, and my mental illness. For each of these, there have been times I have been able to speak about them, but for most of my life, and especially within my own family it feels taboo. When I bring them out, I feel better because it is part of my identity, and it is hard to find other people to relate to because most people don’t have the same problems or at least don’t admit to it. I like what your marriage counselor had to say, and I think that when you both acknowledge there are things you want to keep private, it will help you show respect for each other’s feelings. It will ultimately better your relationship. You’re very lucky to be find someone with that kind of trust in you.

I look forward to reading your next entry.
-sandma1half

Comment by sandma1half

My spouse doesn’t like me talking about our sex life either (and we’re not having much of one either). I hate secrets too, but I think it’s okay to respect someone’s privacy. I think as abused kids our own privacy wasn’t respected, and we didn’t learn the difference between good secrets (where you hid their birthday present and what you got) and bad secrets (protecting someone else’s wrongdoing from discovery). If you weren’t having sex for example because your hub was abusive or doing something sexually that made you uncomfortable, your not having sex would be a bad secret, in my opinion. But if you were not having sex because of everyone’s personal gunk with their bodies or hormones or something, then I think it’s okay to keep it private if one of you wants to. (Your mileage may vary, that’s just my thoughts.)

I hope the couple’s counselling is helpful for you and hub. We’ve had some very helpful couples counselling.

Blessings to you,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

i’ve been quietly reading your blog. you’ve got quite a list. i wish i had more to say but right now i’m in “the meantime” also. i hope you are well.

Comment by thelittlestsurvivor

Thank you for commenting – it was a nice pick-me-up that made me feel better today.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly,

I think this is a good reason. I would call this issue boundaries. As child sexual abuse survivors we often don’t know how to keep something private, between the two people in the marriage, we tell and tell and tell. We abhor secrets and so we feel driven to talk. It takes a long time to learn boundaries. We and our bodies were invaded and our boundaries were invaded and destroyed by being sexually abused as children. Is your husband okay with your talking to a friend or two about this and getting support? That might be a boundary he is okay with. Is he okay about it being on your blog? That would be something I would have trouble to talk about and so I think you are incredibly courageous to do that as well as to go to couple’s therapy. If you don’t call them secrets and instead call them private, do you still want to talk about them or need to talk about them? This may take some time and some negotiations to arrive at a mutually agreed upon decision. You are doing incredible work on this. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975




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