Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #160: Secret window into my soul

It has been about a week since I heard that trauma expert speak to a room full of people (of which I was one of them). 

A week ago, she discussed terrible things that happen to people and the effects of these terrible things on the people they happen to.   A week ago I pretended I was a normal person and not a butterfly who sits in rooms hearing about herself.

It’s been a week. 

This whole week, I have been ‘acting as if’.  Acting as if everything is okay, as if listening to the speech of what has basically shaped my life is also okay, as if that experience meant nothing to me.

I’ve been eating shitloads of food though, and I have been unable to figure out why.  I am enormous, and yet I keep eating.  I am miserable at this weight, and yet I keep eating.   This week has been terrible with the eating.

Today, I was singing a song to myself and my sweet doggie wandered over because she thought I was crying.  So I decided to test it by making crying sounds.  Sure enough, my sweet doggie came over with that sweet concerned look on her face that she gets.  As I was petting her and calling her a good girl though, I began to really cry.  The kind of crying that sounds like weeping.  It sounded like that because I was weeping.

Finally, after this whole week of pretending, I realized – there is a time for everything, and right now it is time to cry.  Today I cried about the words that were spoken by the trauma expert – I felt like she had some sort of secret window into my world, into my soul and was sharing my secrets without my permission.  I cried because she was right about everything she said.  And mostly I cried because I am afraid of what’s to come, as I have always been.

Fear is a terrible thing – it eats you up from the inside.  I have always been afraid; I have never known another way.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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