Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #161: The privilege of age

I was thinking about my situation yesterday, pondering my sadness – my obession maybe – over these events that transpired in my childhood.

My first molester – that babysitter that I have talked about so much on this blog – she molested me when I was five, or less than five.  My second molester – my brother – he molested me when I was 8.  My third molester – my dad – he molested me when I was 15.    When I think about it, over 20 years has passed since my last perpetrator molested me, and over 30 years has passed since my first one did.

Why am I still upset about this?  Why have there been 160 reasons before this one that the sex abuse has perpetrated its way into my life?  I gave it some thought, and here’s what I came up with: It’s the knowledge that the only reason that none of these people are fucking me right this second is because I am no longer in a child’s body.  They can’t ignore my no’s, because I have a lot more power than I did as a child. 

The only thing that is stopping them from betraying me in the worst of ways again is age.  Were I five or eight or fifteen again, I would be getting molested again.

Knowing this means that I also possess the unfortunate knowledge that 3 of my fellow human beings were willing to intentionally harm me so that they could get their own deviant needs met.  Worse, all three were people I should have been able to trust.  A babysitter is there to care for you.  An older brother is supposed to protect you.  A father is supposed to help and nurture you to become your best self.

That has not been my experience of babysitters, brothers, and fathers.  I now know for sure that people who are supposed to help me can and do harm me.  And the only thing stopping them from doing that is that I am in a big body, an adult’s body, with all the powers and privileges that being in an adult’s body entails.  The knowledge that this is the only thing stopping these people from abusing me is too painful to reconcile, and I think fear of what I know to be true causes all my other reasons to be true as well.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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