Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #162: Not Napping when I’m Sick
March 25, 2010, 5:49 pm
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I’m sick.  Nothing terribly serious, just a cold.  But it’s in that stage where I feel weak, achy, and tired. I don’t know how it works for other survivors, but I swear when I am feeling sick, I feel extra vulnerable, extra needy.  Is that how it works for you guys too?  Or is it just me?

The huz told me the best way to heal would be to rest and sleep, and let my body fight the infection.  He said “Maybe you could take a nap.”

In the interest of full-disclosure and my 100% honesty policy with him, I told him I couldn’t do that, much as I wanted to.  I am afraid of sleeping in the house when no one is here with me.  Not even my two big barking dogs are enough to make me feel safe.

I would lock myself in my room, but how do I know someone’s not already there, just waiting for me to let down my guard so that they can hurt me again?  Wow.  Talk about Freudian – I put the word ‘again’ there, and that wasn’t part of my original thought. 

However, ‘again’ is probably exactly the point.  I wouldn’t be afraid of imaginary (I hope) intruders in my fucking room if people hadn’t shown me what happens when I was innocent and unaware.  And now I am not innocent or unaware, and so I am just plain afraid.

The thing is, saying it out loud or typing it in this blog – my rational mind understands that these thoughts are just anxiety talking, and that the chances of such occurrences are probably small.  But shit, no one thinks their kid is going to be the one that gets fucked, and yet I was fucked by three different people, so the idea of ‘rare’ doesn’t gel in my head. And frankly, fucking kids isn’t particularly rational either, so I am not sure where rationality should even get an equal opportunity in the argument against my anxious thoughts.

I’m sick, and tired, and too afraid to sleep.  This is the 162nd way that being a survivor of child sexual abuse has fucked me again.

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