Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #165: Campfires and S’mores
April 11, 2010, 4:41 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

The other day my husband and I were driving in the car and talking about how much we are looking forward to the upcoming summer.  He said that this summer we should totally have campfires and make s’mores.  I thought it was a great idea!

I said “Man, I would love that!  That’s exactly the kind of home and family I want our son to grow up in.  The kind of family that has campfires and s’mores, and he’ll have such happy memories.  It’s exactly the kind of home I-”  And then my voice broke, and I stopped talking, and blinked back tears as I stared out the car window.

I was surprised by the sudden rush of emotion, and nothing embarrasses me more than when I cry in public.  I try VERY hard to make sure this doesn’t happen, and yet sometimes it sneaks up on me, and then I have to work so hard to make the tears go away before they come out my eyes. 

My husband said “Why’d you stop talking so suddenly?”  I let a minute pass while I comported myself again, and then I said “It’s exactly the kind of home I would have wanted but didn’t have, where parents were involved enough with each other or me to have campfires and s’mores.”

I have talked before on this blog about my overwhelming need to protect my son from the kinds of horrors I experienced as a child.  It seems difficult for me to be able to experience life as his mother without re-experiencing my feelings about life when I was a child.

In the car, talking about summer, with my husband.  Perfectly fine conversation until it gets fucked up by my history of sex abuse coming out to greet me.  Reason #165 why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

8 Comments so far
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I think this happens to all survivors when they become parents. The important thing is that you’re using those feelings to give your son a better home. My mother wasn’t so wise. She took her anger and pain out on me, blamed me for making her remember. Instead of ending the cycle of abuse, she perpetuated it.

Comment by Natalie Rose

Woops, my attempt to quote didn’t work so well. I was referencing this from your original post:

“It seems difficult for me to be able to experience life as his mother without re-experiencing my feelings about life when I was a child.”

Comment by Natalie Rose

Hi Natalie – thank you for your kind words. -Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

You’re very welcome. Your son may not know it yet, but he’s very lucky to have you as a mother.

Comment by Natalie Rose

Hi Butterfly,

Yes I have heard it said over and over that you re-experience things as your child goes through things and different ages bring up different things from your childhood when you were that age. Just another reason that I didn’t want to have kids. I never wanted to have to go through that much pain being flung at me. Though I guess it comes up no matter what, eventually, because I still get plenty of those kinds of feelings.

I admire your dedication, service, and love to your son, who knows what a mother, what a family is. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Kate – thank you so much for commenting. You know, I really hadn’t thought about it, but you are right – I had heard that we re-experience things too, and I hadn’t put the two together.

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

You really should give yourself a break and let the tears come. You have every right to be tearful!!!
Lindsey Petersen

Comment by 5kidswdisabilities

[…] of incest We had a truly lovely 4th of July.  The huz and I enjoyed being a family, and we made s’mores.  It was the kind of family I had always dreamed of being in, and now I am the mom in […]

Pingback by Reason #183: It already did hurt me « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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