Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #166: I thought I would grow out of it
April 15, 2010, 1:04 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

After that babysitter fucked my brother and I, I began sleeping with the covers over my head every night, and I used several blankets.  My thought process was that if someone were going to stab me in the back, perhaps the knife wouldn’t get through all the layers of blanket.

Talk about Freudian with the ‘stabbing in the back’ shit, huh?  It’s such a metaphor for betrayal, being stabbed in the back.  Did my 5 year old mind know that? 

I have been trying to insulate myself from a betrayal that has already happened to me so many times, with the covers and the checking in the closets and under the beds, and checking the door locks, and pushing dressers in front of doors, and having two big dogs, and carefully evaluating my need to go outside before I ever leave the house, and not wearing gloves in the winter.  The list goes on and  on.

I told the marital therapist that my family and I assumed that I would grow out of these ‘childhood fears’.  When I was a kid, my mom told me that she was scared growing up too, and that she grew out of it, and so would I.  (My mom wasn’t sexually abused.)  I am 36 years old, and I haven’t grown out of it yet.  I keep waiting for it to happen.

The marital therapist said that most children with normal childhoods do grow out of childhood fears.  She said that many children are afraid of the dark or monsters under the bed or things like that, but they grow out of them because over time they learn that there are no such things as monsters and nothing has ever gotten them in the dark.  In my case, however, the monsters were real and bad things happened to me.  She explained that in my case, the fears were confirmed as real, so why would I grow out of something that was true?

That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  You prove that monsters are real, and we become afraid of you and everyone else for the rest of our lives.

5 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I think that most people assume that the problems will go away when they become adults and go out to live on their own. I know that I did believe that once I got away from my family things would be so much better. It was, but it didn’t solve any of my problems. And I had no idea how long or how involved healing would be.

I still fortress myself with my blanket and it is quite purposeful now. It took me such a long time before I could conclude that much more abuse had happened in my childhood to explain the symptoms I was exhibiting, one of the most visible ones being the tenting and fortressing of the blanket. All I wanted was to be safe.

I agree with you, childhood fears were validated and reinforced. That makes heaing very difficult, but I do believe it is possible to learn better coping of fears. My fears have lessened in number and intensity. I believe the same for you. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Kate,

While it saddens me to learn that you are feeling the need to use safety techniques, I am emboldened to learn that other survivors are doing the same sorts of things that I am. When survivors say this to me, it makes me feel less alone. You are kind to share that with me.

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hello Butterfly,

You and your blog get me thinking,feeling, working on healing, and healing. It is easy to share with you; your courage and honesty make it easy. It is easy for me to share here, you make it easy for me to share here difficult topics that I rarely share anywhere else.

It touches me that you think it is kind of me. I am only trying to reciprocate back to you and validate back to you what you validate for me, to stand up with you as you stand up for me and other survivors. Your courage touches me, deeply. Even more so because you rarely see your own courage. I see your courage.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

The beautiful thing about you, Kate, is that you always see others’ grace. That is such a rare and beautiful quality in a person.

Comment by butterflysblog

Okay I will try really hard not to negate the good and kind thing you said about me. It is easy to see you clearly. You show a lot of courage. It seems to me that most people would be able to see you shining from a distance. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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