Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #167: This is my car

I told the marital therapist (in an alone session) that I started being so afraid all the time after that babysitter molested me.  I was five years old (or less?) when she molested me, and after that all I could see were possibilities of hurt.  Behind every corner or door, under every bed, in every closet, and most especially every night – my world was suddenly filled with the knowledge that people will gain my trust for the specific reason of using it against me. 

After that time where the babysitter used my brother and I for her sexual gain, my world was suddenly filled with betrayal.  Worse, it was filled with the possibility of betrayal, and it is this very possibility that sits within me at all times.  Since I am seeing a marital therapist, the way that we explored it was how my panic seems to happen when the huz and I are intimate.  Many many times the huz and I have been kissing or making out, and I suddenly see my brother’s face.  And then I try and will myself back to the present, by telling myself I am an adult.  But it’s not working.  Then I see my brother and I on the couch, his head between my legs, me pretending to be the wall so I don’t have to be present.  And the huz is still kissing me, and I can’t speak, and I am afraid.  Then finally he realizes what is happening and stops kissing.

“And then there we are, no longer kissing, and I have yet again fucked it up for us” I said to her.  She said “You didn’t fuck it up.  The trauma of sexual abuse fucked it up.  If someone got into a car accident and were afraid of getting into a car again, would you think they fucked it up?  No, of course not.  You’d think they were afraid of getting into a car because they had been traumatized in a car the last time they had been in one.  This is your car, that’s all.  And you’ll get back in eventually.”

I hope she is right.  It makes me feel better that at least she believes in my ability to heal from this stuff. I want to kiss my husband.  I want to make love to my husband.  I want the power to say yes and no, the way I didn’t have power with that babysitter, my brother, or my father. 

I can’t fuck my husband, or even kiss my husband without my shit getting triggered.   That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Wow Butterfly, that is such a great analogy. I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to take that and use it. It really resonates for me.

I totally get the sex triggers, but I have confidence that you can heal. We all can. It just takes time, patience and, unfortunately, hard work.

Comment by Kerro

Hi Kerro – Wasn’t that a wonderful analogy? This therapist is really good at that.

Thank you for your kind words.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly,

I am liking the things that you are posting about this therapist. I really am. I like the analogy as well. It is very healing.

When I started remembering the mother daughter sexual abuse I couldn’t even think of kissing a guy without causing flashbacks. That went on for some time. Now I can. It is not a real guy, but for me even thinking about it and having a moment that is my own is wonderful and a miracle. I know that this has gotten much easier for me and I do believe that I will one day find someone who loves me and who I want to kiss.

I wish you and your husband all the best in your lives, and that includes having a level of intimacy that is personal and private from intrusive and abusive thoughts. Iknow it is possible. I believe it will happen for you. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

[…] several times during my marriage, like when I freaked out before we even got into bed together, , when I described it to my therapist as ‘fucking it up’ for us, and when my voice became that of a little girl’s. Each and every one of these experiences […]

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