Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #173: We Have Social Phobia
May 7, 2010, 12:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

My co-workers invited me out for drinks the other night.  This is like the millionth time I have faced this sort of situation.  I thanked them for the invitation and said no.  When they asked why, I decided to go with the truth.  I said “I’m not social”.

Then came the same reaction I always get when I say that.  “What?  How can this be?  Everyone loves you.”

And inside, I nod my head and think “Yup, that’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  We get scared of social situations.”

The truth is that in these one-on-one conversations, I am mostly okay.  I am even okay when another person or two joins.  Once the situation becomes a “dinner” or “event” or “party”, I am immediately overcome with anxiety.  I begin picturing myself there and everyone looking at me, and I feel fat, bumbling, and stupid.  Then I begin thinking of ways that I might not have to go to the event.  And if it’s an event involving my husband’s work friends or even sometimes his family, I feel ashamed as I beg him for ways for me to get out of it.  He has gotten pissed more than once about me missing one of his events, and he has that right.  I’d be pissed if he missed one of mine just due to fear.

Sometimes I face the fear head on and just go to the damn party.  Sometimes I am not feeling that courageous and give in to my inner fear.

I think the core of my social anxiety is my fear of people judging me.  Survivors of sexual abuse are constantly judged.  ‘Is she telling the truth?  Did it really happen?  Maybe she made it up?  Even if it did happen, maybe she wanted it?  It wasn’t that bad anyway.  She’ll grow out of it.  She’s making a big deal out of nothing.’ 

My name is Butterfly, and I am afraid of parties.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

6 Comments so far
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Butterfly, I wish I could offer some words of wisdom, but I can’t. I did want you to know, though, that you’re not alone – it’s as if you wrote this post about me. ((safe hugs)) to you

Comment by Kerro

I’ve always assumed that I was inherently shy, but there’s no denying that anxiety of that magnitude comes from some place else. It’s been worse lately– I go straight home after work and hide in my room for the rest of the night, usually until I pass out watching old episodes of television shows that don’t remind me of the abuse. I’m incredibly lonely, but the prospect of actually connecting with someone is just so bleak, online or off. The proximity to mother’s day most certainly isn’t improving the situation…

But so many of the feelings are the same. The constant fear of being judged, feeling fat, ugly, like everything you say sounds moronic… it takes so much energy to be social, and so rarely is it worthwhile. Of course, I’m minus one family (since I’m not willing to shatter their world OR find out whether or not they’re going to believe me or defend her the way they always have) and being in a new city I have no real friends, so eventually I’m going to have to suck it up and attempt to be social and as least awkward as possible.

Comment by Natalie Rose

@Kerro – Thank you so much for the kind wishes.

@Natalie – You are always so eloquent in your comments on my blog, and in your posts on your own blog.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hope this doesn’t post twice – wasn’t logged in the first go round.

I’ve read some of your blog over the past week – many of the reasons resonate with me.

I’m best in the small group – that takes the attention off me and others are happy to talk about themselves. One on one – too much chance of intimacy and disclosure. Large groups sap my energy.

Comment by onelongjourney

Hi OneLongJourney – thank you so much for commenting. Every time a survivor tells me something like this, I feel less alone.

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] Fuck Kids writes about how the skepticism faced by child sexual abuse survivors translates into social phobias even in […]

Pingback by Survivor News on the Web (May 5-May 11, 2010) « If She Cry Out

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