Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #176: My Vagina

There’s something wrong with my vagina. For the past few days, my vagina has been having hot-flashes. I don’t know what else to call it. You know how women who are going through menopause experience hot flashes? I am not going through menopause, but the lips of my vagina are experiencing hot flashes.

It is causing me some worry. First of all, something might be wrong. Second of all, I might have to see the gynecologist, and as my readers know, seeing the vagina doctor is hard for survivors of sex abuse. Too many people have already seen my vagina, and even though the trip to the gyno would be consensual, it always involves crying.

It’s not burning exactly, it’s more like a very deep warmth on my labia.  It’s uncomfortable, but what is more uncomfortable is not knowing what is wrong. 

This weekend, I was panicking about it a little with my husband, trying to figure out what was wrong, running around looking for a mirror to look at my vagina.  He asked me if I wanted him to look at it.  He’s a sweet guy, and he truly wanted to help.  I said “No, we don’t have that kind of relationship.”  The truth of that statement made me so sad that it brought tears to my eyes.  I don’t have the kind of relationship with my husband where he can see my vagina.

I have never allowed him to perform oral sex on me.  Never.  My brother did this to me, and I just can’t allow my husband to do it.  I hated the sensation when my brother was doing it, and just thinking about it now makes me feel so disgusting that I want to vomit and shower.  I said no when my brother wanted to do it, and I said no some more.  I said no again.  He finally talked me into it, probably because I realized that I didn’t really have any choice.  He was bigger than me, and if he wanted to use violence to solve my ‘no’, he could have.  But he didn’t have to – I finally agreed. 

Maybe I just wanted him to love me, and stop being so angry and hateful with me all the time.  The truth is that when he was molesting me – that was the nicest he ever was to me.

I dissociated while he was molesting me, pretending to be the wall.  I am the wall, I am the wall, I am the wall, I chanted to myself while he was molesting me, his head between my legs.  I am the wall, I am the wall, I am the wall.  I have no idea how many times he molested me.

I don’t want to be the fucking wall with my husband.  I want to be in bed with him, enjoying us together, saying yes because I actually want to be sexual with him instead of saying yes to having my body used without me in it.

Now my pussy is having some sort of physical problem, and I am at a loss as to what is wrong.  I can’t see it for myself no matter what mirror I use, and I can’t allow my husband to look at it for me.  I just don’t feel comfortable with his head between my legs the way my brother’s was.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


9 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I am sorry that you are going through this. Going to the vagina doctor, as you call them, is so hard for me as well. I’m sorry dear.

I wanted to ask you if you have tried to ice the area? I know that sometimes that can help. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Butterfly,

Is it possible that you’re experiencing body memories? You’ve obviously been aware of your abuse a lot longer than I have mine, but the body memories still shake me up when they come. They can be so hard to tell apart from actual physical ailments, except that they only respond to emotions.

My first severe one I still remember. One day, I woke up and my arms were sore all over. I thought I must’ve just strained myself, but after a week, the pain hadn’t dulled at all. If anything, it had gotten worse. Then one day, I just knew. I walked up to a friend of mine, turned around, stretched my arms back and asked her to grab them. She did, and suddenly I remembered being held down like that when I was a child. Within two days, the pain in my arms was gone.

I’ve had similar pains in my genitals, and those bizarre hot flashes you speak of all over my body. Almost always, they signal some sort of emotional blockage.

I don’t know if that’s helpful at all, but I hope you get to the bottom of it soon and start feeling better.

Love,
NR

Comment by Natalie Rose

I had a burning problem in my vagina for more than a year and it was so awful that it ruled my life. It was very upsetting and terrifying. Turned out there was nothing physically wrong. My guess is somatic memory. I still have problems sometimes when I sleep and I feel terrible pain there and it wakes me up and ruins my life for days.

I referenced you again on my blog. I hope you don’t mind. (If you ever do mind, just tell me and of course I will stop doing it immediately and there will not be any hard feelings about it.)

http://www.etherealhighway.blogspot.com

Comment by 1janedonut

@Kate – Thank you for the advice. I took it last night, and used ice to at least relieve the symptoms.

@Natalie Rose and 1janedonut: Wow. I truly hadn’t thought of this as a possibility. I will think about that. Thank you for telling me about it. I appreciate it.

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] rape can impact a life. This week she discussed the impact of being raped by her brother on her adult relationship with her husband and reflected on how a prior face to face confrontation with evil magnifies her reactions to events […]

Pingback by Survivor News on the Web (May 12-18, 2010) « If She Cry Out

Hi Butterfly,
I haven’t written about it yet, but I have something similar (more like a burning pain actually and it’s more around the vaginal opening). The medical term for pain in the vulva with no obvious cause (like an infection or something) is vulvodynia if you want to look it up.

I think for me it’s a combination of the damage from the abuse plus a tendency to clench the muscles in the area (like we don’t have a reason to do that!), which reduces the blood flow. Icing definitely helps, but it further reduces blood flow, so long term, gentle heat might relax the area and keep it from recurring.

One home test you can do with a mirror is to get a dilute vinegar solution and bathe the area and then look at it with a mirror. If it changes colour and gets a bit whitish in patches, then you likely have some kind of skin infection.

Body memories also sound like a good candidate, which is paradoxically a good thing, because if you integrate the memory, not only will the pain go away, but you’ll be that much more healed.

I’m wondering if you can find a way to make it safe for yourself to let your husband look. For me, things that make it clearly not the abuse situation (very different lighting, music, smells) help keep my mind off those tracks.

Good luck,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

SwordDanceWarrior – thank you for your wisdom and insights. Your advice is always so helpful. Thank you, Warrior.

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] Reason #176: My Vagina […]

Pingback by Reason #178: That weird vagina thing « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] aches, it’s considered a somatic ailment.  Remember when my vagina was hot for days (see here and here), and I couldn’t figure it […]

Pingback by Reason #300: We are not as productive in the workforce as we could be « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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