Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #178: That weird vagina thing

You remember that weird vagina thing that was happening to me, where my vagina was really really warm for like 3 days?  Well, during that time, the huz and I were seated for our nightly tv watching, and my vagina was so hot that I put ice in a baggie, put them in my panties, and sat there like that all night.  Even with ice on it all night, my vagina still retained all that heat.

I wrote to one of my best friends about it – I always go to her for sexual and medical issues – and I asked her if she knew anything about having a hot vagina.  She said “A hot vagina?  Never heard of it.”  Then I asked her if it was possible that I have gotten so fat that my inner thighs were crowding my vagina to the point of heat exhaustion.  She said she didn’t think that was possible in my case.

The interesting thing about that weekend of vagina-hotness that I neglected to mention in my original post about my vagina was that my dad and brother were visiting that weekend.  I live far away from them, on purpose, so that I can control when/how I see them, and we had planned for them to come see us that weekend.

As my readers know, my dad and I have been trying to have some semblance of a relationship.  We are trying to heal.  Healing, for me, means understanding what happened to me, his role in it, what he himself did to me, and acknowledging it and living with it.  Healing, for my dad, means me trusting him.  Since trusting him is not a possibility, our versions of healing will probably never meet.  Either way, it’s been interesting trying to have my father in my life.  As for my brother, I have long since forgiven him, but I do not trust him in the slightest.

Some of the commenters on my vagina post said that maybe it was a body memory.  After I read their comments, I decided to acknowledge the possibility of this being true.  As soon as I acknowledged it, ALL OF IT WENT AWAY AND I HAVEN’T FELT IT SINCE.  This reality scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what the vagina hotness means, and I am not 100% certain it was a body memory, but I have to admit – the evidence certainly weighs heavily in favor of it being a body memory of some kind.  It happened when two of my molesters came to visit me.  There was no organic reason for it (no allergic reaction, no different panties, etc.).  And, all of it went away as soon as I acknowledged the possibility of it being a body memory.

If it is a body memory – man, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?  I know there is one whole abuser that I have no memory of (the babysitter) – could this hot vagina thing be about her?  Did she have my brother and I doing sexual shit to each other, do you suppose?  My brother told my mom that everything he did to me, so did she.  The sensation kind of reminded me of the sensation of my brother rubbing my vagina, except when he did it, my vagina would get numb after a while.  My instinct tells me this is not about him though.  And that leaves me to wonder what the fuck is happening to me?  Is my body trying to tell me something?

 This is my life now – constantly trying to piece together the puzzle of why is Butterfly so fucked up?  Every new thing is a clue.  What if I never have conscious memory?  Am I supposed to just walk around being okay with a hot vagina?

I am left with all these questions as to what could have happened that was so fucked up that my mind will only allow me to remember it as a physical sensation with no image to go with it.  As I have said on so many occasions before, I am afraid of what’s to come.   This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.   You don’t just fuck us as kids, you fuck us up forever.

8 Comments so far
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Butterfly, you could be right and this is a body memory. I have had those as well. Like you I’ve worried myself with the “why’s” … until I just accepted that yea, there probably was more to remember, but you know what? I actually don’t need to know. I’m comfortable not knowing, because the stuff I do know about is hard enough to deal with without there being more.

Hang in there, I hope this resolves itself for you. Vaginas are hard enough for people like us, without them playing games with our heads as well.

Comment by Kerro

Holey moley. I’m a bit triggered by the thought of you visiting with two of your abusers. I’m nervous for you.

An incest survivor with two relatives visiting at the same time is triggering enough. Two of your abusers visiting you at the same time and no wonder your vagina is protesting…

That’s good that your vagina heat went away when you figured it out.

An abuser is not right in the head in the first place, and then one that doesn’t get why you need space or will never trust them is just crazy. Unfortunately they’re almost all like that. I have experienced what that’s like to constantly press up against family denial and minimization and need for you to make it all right for them. It’s hard to resist, particularly as it feeds in nicely to the society denial and minimization. It’s my opinion that if an abuser really gets it and is actually sorry he/she’d feel morally obligated to turn himself in to the police, not to mention staying the hell away from the people he harmed. Personally, it may just be my sword wielding badassness, but I believe that if they’re not turning themselves in to the cops, either they don’t think it’s a crime or don’t want to be accountable for it.

I’ve made the mistake in my own family of believing relatives’ versions of events, so personally I trust your body more than the words of your relatives, particularly ones who abused you or feel guilty they didn’t stop it.

This isn’t really related, but do you ever read Faith Allen’s blog? She has this bit in one of her earliest posts about how for her, anxiety was about unexpressed rage. I know that’s at least partly the case for me, and thought I’d mention it to you in case it’s helpful.

Maybe it is related. Anger and heat seem connected to me somehow. Maybe what you had was an angry vagina? From what you’ve told about the abuse from your dad, your vulva has plenty to be angry about already.

Anyhow, I hope this wasn’t intrusive, let me know if it was, like I said, I got a bit triggered thinking of you visiting with your father.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

@Kerro – I love your line “Vaginas are hard enough for people like us, without them playing games with our heads as well.”

@Warrior – You know, while my father and brother were visiting, I kept telling myself how everything is okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. I think you are right – my vagina said “Nope, nope, this is not okay at all”.

Comment by butterflysblog

I feel like I sort of unleashed this on you… Body memories, in my experience, produce more questions than answers. At least initially. I asked a close friend of mine, who was invaluable when I had my first body memories, for some advice. She said:

“The advice I have is the same I gave you. She shouldn’t push it. It doesn’t help and it often makes things worse. She should work on feeling safe. My observation is that usually body memories come before other memories, so finding a way to feel safe will ease that process. I think it’s about tuning in to your feelings of safety (or lack thereof) and finding ways to make yourself feel secure.”

Body memories do often mean there’s a new memory coming, but I remember the harder I tried to get to that memory, the more elusive it was. As I’m sure you’re already well aware, they only come when you’re truly in a safe space, physically and mentally.

Body memories… well, I guess they’re just a way of our body talking to us. I, like most sexual abuse survivors, have largely disconnected from myself physically. As much as body memories are painful and confusing, I couldn’t help but find something comforting in the fact that my body was finally speaking to me. Little by little, I am becoming more in tune with my body, and I can’t help but wonder if body memories aren’t to thank for that. It’s a double-edged sword, granted, but remember that you are an adult now, you are safe, and you are the Master of your own body.

It will get better Butterfly, I promise.

Comment by Natalie Rose

Natalie – what a beautiful way to conceptualize this, as my body trying to speak to me. You’re so right. Thank you so much for sharing this.

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Yes I agree, the vagina speaks. She is so wise.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Butterfly, I can sense your panic and urgency so clearly in this post, and even though I am a bit late, my heart goes out to you.

I think it was body memory. It IS scary as hell.

I have some other thoughts on this I’m not quite ready to print, but if this is ever revisited, maybe then will be a good time.

I don’t want to trigger anyone, esp. since this is your blog.

Thanks for sharing this, Butterfly. You are so honest and open, and reading your blog has helped me tremendously, even though I thought I had it all figured out.

I am so sorry for your pain, but incredibly thankful for you, even if it is just reading your blog.

Comment by All Time Love

[…] it’s considered a somatic ailment.  Remember when my vagina was hot for days (see here and here), and I couldn’t figure it […]

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