Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #179: “Other Kids Get Abused and They Aren’t Fucked Up

A co-worker and I were discussing the issue of child sex abuse, and I told her that I feel it is wrong, no matter what.  She told me that a friend of hers is perfectly fine as a victim of child sex abuse.  Apparently, for her friend, the only time her grandfather was nice to her was while he was molesting her. This did not surprise me, since the only time my brother was nice to me was when he was molesting me.  And then she came out with this: “Child sex abuse doesn’t always have negative ramifications”. 

This is akin to this argument that all of us survivors seem to tell ourselves: “Other kids get abused and they aren’t fucked up.  Why am I so fucked up?” 

Let’s look at this argument.  First of all – where are those kids?  Have you ever met an abused child who wasn’t fucked up?  I haven’t ever met one who hasn’t had trust issues galore, and other negative shit as a result of being a survivor.  I have, however, met lots of non-abused grown up kids, and they don’t seem to have any of the same issues I do.  They trust, they love, they live.  Not me, and frankly, not any of the survivors I have met in my life.

So then I think to myself “Okay, maybe they don’t have phobias and fears and what not”.  But really, how well do we know people?  Most people who know me would never know about my long list of shit (Exhibit A: every reason in this blog), so to them, I would seem like one of those kids that got fucked and is okay.  Clearly, however, I am not okay by any stretch of the imagination.  So, maybe her friend is fucked up and my co-worker doesn’t know it.

Then I think about “What does ‘okay’ mean?”, because okay for me is vastly different than what okay means for you.  Does ‘okay’ for my co-worker mean that her friend is not locked up in a mental institution?  They don’t lock you up for having trust issues.  If you are unable to trust your husband or anyone else, then you’re probably not ‘okay’ in my book either.  Plus, have you ever met a survivor who doesn’t have a completely distorted world view?  I know mine is completely distorted.  Even though only a few people hurt me in life, I think everyone has the potential for hurting me.  For instance, I was once riding in the car with my uncle, and I was so afraid he was going to pull the car over and rape me that I couldn’t breathe.  (He’s fine, not an abuser, and he has never harmed me in any way.)  When the car ride was over though, we both got out of the car, and we both appeared ‘fine’.  I was so fucked up by the experience that even though nothing happened, I resolved to never be alone in the car with him again.  I am sure he thought I was okay too.  He probably still thinks I am okay, just like my co-worker’s friend, since I don’t share this shit with him or most people.

Part of me wonders if my co-worker’s ‘friend’ is actually herself.  Lots of people use the ‘my friend’ thing when shit gets too uncomfortable for themselves, and I am sure that if it is her, she doesn’t feel close enough to me to tell me that she enjoyed her grandfather molesting her.  This is part of the normal child sex abuse paradigm though.  Think about it – all children need love.  If the only way her grandfather was nice to her was while he was molesting her, then I am sure she does look back on this time with her grandfather and think it was okay.  However, I can say for sure that my co-worker is not okay at all.  She is not well-liked, and she has not exhibited a great deal of empathy whenever we speak about troubling situations with other humans.

On behalf of me and other fucked kids, I would like to put an end to the argument that kids get abused and don’t get fucked up.  We have no idea if this is true or not, no study has measured “Are some of them okay?”  At the same time, no research has found that fucking kids is a good idea, since every single study on the subject has discovered that we get fucked up in some way from you doing this to us when we are kids.

The whole argument is akin to saying “Some women get raped and they don’t have PTSD”.  Is this true?  Yes.  There are women who don’t get full-blown PTSD as a result of rape.  But should you go around raping women?  No.  Even when they don’t get PTSD, they are still fucked up, and it is still a wrong and heinous act, much like fucking kids.  No matter what arguments you propose that make it okay for you to fuck kids, it is not okay, it is never okay, and it is always wrong. 

I think the worst part of this argument is that it makes me, as a survivor of incest and child sex abuse, question myself as to why I am so fucked up.  If other kids get fucked up and they are okay, how come I am not okay?  Then I remind myself that they aren’t okay, that I’ve never met any fucked kid who is okay, and that this whole argument is a lie to begin with.  It’s enough to be met with denial from outsiders, I shouldn’t have to argue it with myself too.  And I bet if you asked any one of us fucked kids if there are times when we minimize our experiences or call ourselves crazy, they’d answer yes.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. 

I am worried about this post, because I am afraid it will be received wrongly.  But it’s my blog, and this is another reason that the sex abuse has affected my life, so I am posting it.


12 Comments so far
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Whether your friend is talking about herself or an actual other friend, she’s dead wrong about them being “fine.” Adults who were fucked as kids, heck, kids who are fucked, are masters of covering up the situation. We’re taught that the abuse is something you share with your abuser, it’s a secret, and especially if abuse occurs within a family, it becomes your job to keep that secret and maintain normalcy. Normalcy becomes a mask fucked kids are adept at wearing. So if your friend thinks this person who was fucked as a kid is actually ok, she’s oblivious.

To give her the benefit of the doubt, though, perhaps she’s talking to someone who’s been working her healing process for years and is relatively “ok” now, but that doesn’t mean there’s a day in that person’s life that s/he doesn’t think about the abuse. But I think the first scenario is more likely.

Comment by Natalie Rose

Natalie – you make such good points. Thank you so much for commenting. I am not sure why, but I found this post to be threatening and scary, and yet I felt it should be talked about because it was taking up space in my brain. Thus, it is a reason, you know?

Comment by butterflysblog

Absolutely, Butterfly. If you need to get it out, get it out. I’m sure you have your share of trolls, but I hope for the most part this is a safe space. I certainly know neither I or any other people I’ve seen comment here would ever judge you for what you have to say.

On a side note, I recently got to know someone who is also a survivor of incest, and is one of the kindest, ambitious, put together people I know. And she tells me, as I suspected, that not a day goes by where she doesn’t think about it. But it doesn’t mean us fucked-kids can’t still develop into confident, loving, healthy people, even if we’re always hesitant to trust.

Comment by Natalie Rose

[…] A co-worker and I were discussing the issue of child sex abuse, and I told her that I feel it is wrong, no matter what.  She told me that a friend of hers is perfectly fine as a victim of child sex abuse.  Apparently, for her friend, the only time her grandfather was nice to her was while he was molesting her. This did not surprise me, since the only time my brother was nice to me was when he was molesting me.  And then she came out with this: "C … Read More […]

Pingback by Reason #179: “Other Kids Get Abused and They Aren’t Fucked Up (via Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids) « Innocencestolen's Blog

I’m not sure what you are worried about, I didn’t find any problem with this post. What reading your post did do for me, was help me put something in perspective.

Where I live, the State offers compensation payments to victims of crime, including adult survivors of child abuse. Where sexual abuse has occurred in childhood, it does not have to be proven in the same way as in a court, but the victim does have to report the crime to the police as a way of showing that it did in fact happen. In addition, the survivor must obtain a psychologist’s report to prove that they suffered significant psychological harm from the abuse. This requirement has always bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on why exactly. Now, after reading your post, I understand. The survivor shouldn’t have to prove that harm occurred: OF COURSE HARM OCCURRED!

Some years ago I found the courage to make my police report. I was a total mess afterwards. Then I found out that I had to go see a psychologist and talk about all the problems I have because of it. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. So for years I have been unable to access any compensation because talking about what happened feels too much for me. I shouldn’t have to do this!

I feel really angry about this and it’s the same as what you’ve written: if people just accepted that child sexual abuse is harmful, always, survivors just might receive the acknowledgement they need. Why should we have to fight for it?

Dawn

Comment by dawnawakening

You’re right, of course, Butterfly. Harm is always done. However, with child sexual assault, the harm is compounded by the fact that most kids don’t get the help and support they need right away. Getting injured in a car accident is harmful, but people get validation and medical care right away (at least in my country) and that helps keep it from festering.

@Dawn, I also applied for criminal injury compensation and got it. What I had to do in my jurisdiction was file a police report, which was pretty daunting, but I wanted to do it anyway to protect others from my father. The compensation was that they agreed to pay for a couple of years worth of therapy (as if it only takes a couple of years…), so I guess they figured I didn’t need the therapy if I hadn’t been harmed so it took care of itself. I think it’s possible, that for your state, the fact that you suffered harm proves you’re telling the truth about the abuse, so it might be the other way around. They know there’s harm if someone was abused, so if a psychologist says you were harmed, they know they’re not giving money to someone who is lying about abuse.

I think talking about what happened and how it affected me was one of the best things I ever did. I started in a women’s 12 step group, and then started seeing a therapist. It’s scary, but finding someone you trust to do that with is very very helpful. It’s my opinion that you shouldn’t have to clean up this mess alone, or live with it. You deserve help and things do get a lot better. You’ve already survived the worst that can happen.

SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

SDW, Thanks for the different perspective. I hadn’t thought about the psyc. report as a proof of abuse before and it makes sense. I am seeing a therapist and working through the abuse. I hope to soon feel able to get that report done (can’t be done my therapist unfortunately, so have to go see a psych. I’ve never seen before – telling a stranger is so hard!). Glad that you were able to access something – shame they don’t seem to get how big it is and leave you short. 😦

Dawn

Comment by dawnawakening

@Dawn – Yet another reason you shouldn’t fuck kids. I hate telling yet another fucking person about who has and who has not touched my vagina.

Comment by butterflysblog

Butterfly, I love the way you stood up for yourself at the end of your post — good for you! As serious as your post was, that last sentence tickled me in a good way.

“it’s my blog and I’ll post what I want because it’s important to me and it affected me” /paraphrase

Yes, ma’am!!! Your blog, as I have stated elsewhere, is probably THE most honest blog I have ever read. I don’t think you need to start tempering yourself — you have quite a devoted following for a reason. 😉

There is nothing wrong with your post! Actually, it’s a very good one.

The injuries from abuse are not always visible. They don’t always manifest in bruises or bleeding, or even in nuerosis or phobias.

Often, we carry the scars so close to ourselves that even we can’t see them.

I have never known anyone who has been abused and has been “ok”. Not ever. No matter how much they proclaimed they are fine, there was often something about them that they either could not admit or could not see.

Like you, my world view is skewed and effed up. But you know what? I am kind of OK with that for some reason. I am not glad I was abused, but I am glad that I am at least able to recognize it and deal with it, even when it means looking stupid after washing my hands a million times or seeming crazy for avoiding the guy walking his dog toward me because he looks too normal and therefore must be a rapist.

I am not getting into a pissing contest with those who can’t see how their abuse has affected them; I am not saying that we are better because we see how it’s effed us up — I am just saying that I think it’s healing to be able to at least see it and work it out in our own crazy way.

Comment by All Time Love

[…] Reason #179: “Other Kids Get Abused and They Aren’t Fucked Up […]

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Well no one knows how someone is doing based on the outside or what they share, no one. Even if it is her, she might not understand how fully the abuse has impacted her, its long-term aftereffects and aftermath and how it might take some time before you started to feel it’s full effects and how long it might take to heal once someone starts to have a full emotional compliment to the abuse.

Pretending we are all the same or we should be is diminishing and invalidating and no survivor deserves to be treated in that manner. We were all abused, we all survived, we all deserve to have our pain acknowledged, felt, and healed.

All of this negates the fact that we are all individuals, and that a number of factors are acknowledged in the field of psychology as to contributing to the depth of aftereffects and possible negating factors that might diminish those abuse incidents, such as age of onset, age of ending, supportive environment, friends and family, etc.

The ones who say they are doing fine and no one else should go to therapy because they don’t are the ones who worry me.

Good and healing thoughts to you dear Butterfly.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

thank you for your site. I think things like this all the time. I’m one of those people that everyone thinks is OK, but that’s only because all the lying,denial and acting we have to do for ourselves and especially for everyone else. If I didn’t seem like I was OK, then I was yelled at and told to stop being selfish and that I was making a scene. (and not being OK could be as simple as not having the right look on my face.)

Comment by randym23




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